Cod Almighty | Diary

Diary - Thursday 23 March 2006

23 March 2006

If England's cricket team can win a test match to level a series in the most difficult region of the world to tour without the services of Marcus Trescothick, Michael Vaughan, Steve Harmison, Simon Jones and Ashley Giles, then the Mariners can surely brush aside the absence of half a team at Sincil Bank this Saturday, eh? Today's alarming squad news is that John McDermott is absent from training for "personal reasons", Curtis Woodhouse is away on paternity leave (congraddies, Woody!), and Gary Cohen, Paul Bolland and Justin Whittle are all nursing injuries. Since none of the crocked trio appeared to suffer knocks during Tuesday's draw at Rochdale, one can only assume that they all had a big scrap on the way home. The news gives Rob Jones a cue to step in as captain and lead his side to victory at Lincoln by playing 'Ring of Fire' in the dressing room.

While we're on the subject on Saturday's local derby - which reminds Lincoln of the days when their fiercest local derbies tended to be against decent sides, rather than Boston - the Mariners seem indecently excited at the prospect of having a half-decent referee for a change. An item on the club's official website is moist with anticipation of decisions being made by Steve Bennett, pointing out that he has also officiated at matches involving proper teams like Chelsea, Newcastle and Liverpool. In an interview with Bennett on the website of the FA, the ravishing ref reveals that he would like to introduce "a dotted line between the edge of the arc in the penalty area and the halfway line" and "there would not be any offside in that part of the field" - an innovation that was already being piloted by the governing body when Town conceded a late equaliser at Rushden the other week.

Daryl Clare has not been linked with a return to Blundell Park! I just thought I'd mention it, since the former Mariners and Ireland u21 forward - who left Conference side Crawley earlier this season when they halved all their players' wages - has rejected a move to Yeovil because he wants to be nearer his home in Louth, and isn't going to Lincoln because they won't pay him enough, so it was only a matter of time before some website or other decided he was a nailed-on certainty to step in when Luton's Michael Reddy gets a two-match suspension for diving too obviously.

"Steve Evans! HA HA HA HA!" writes John Pakey in an email to the Diary, unintentionally transcribing the Diary's first thought upon waking every morning. "How did I forget that one? That's going to keep a smile on my face all day. Until of course I get told how much work I've got to do. I'm off to hide away from my boss for half an hour and laugh some more. Cheers." If you don't know what he's on about, read yesterday's Diary. If you've done that and you still don't know what he's on about, give up and read Teamtalk or something instead.

Last of all before I hand over this page to tomorrow's guest diarist is another email responding to yesterday's gubbins, which has been sent, fittingly enough, by Guest Diary. "Thanks for an excellent summation of the Rochdale match," writes GD, "but your use of bullet points scared me a bit. I gave up my office job to become a casual well-digger purely in order to avoid them. By the way, it's colder than a well-digger's ass this morning. And I should know." Cheers, fella - and watch out for next Monday's synopsis of the Lincoln match in PowerPoint format.