Cod Almighty | Diary

Diary - Tuesday 31 July 2007

31 July 2007

Greetings, brethren - and Mariners of a West Yorkshirely persuasion, take heed! Not only do you have to endure being surrounded by weird inbred racists: you must also cope with last-minute changes to Town's local reserve fixtures. The stiffs' opening fixture of the season, away at Dirty Leeds on Wednesday 22 August, has been shifted - not, like many a first-team outing of current times, to a Friday night for no good reason at all, but to a Tuesday; to be precise, the one immediately beforehand on 21 August. For this knowledge the Diary is grateful to Leeds' official website, where the switch was announced last week. Let us hope that the staff from Town's superb new official website who spend their days glued to Cod Almighty will be similarly grateful to the Diary for passing it on when they get round to updating their own site.

You knew that Gary Croft, the greatest defensive estate agent Town have ever had, has signed for Lincoln - but did you know his fellow ex-Town waffly versatile defender Matt Bloomer had signed for Boston? Well, you do now. On the subject of the doubly relegated Lincolnshire twisters - and I ain't talkin' tornadoes - Pete from the brilliant Boston fan site impsTALK has sent a thoroughly enlightening email all about the Wes Parker-to-Gainsborough scandal that has shocked soccer to its core, giving us some vital contextual information that was omitted when Guest Diary looked at the deal here last Friday but enlightenment is at the cost of brevity, which means it's a bit of a long email so we'll have a look at it tomorrow as we pick apart tonight's 0-0 draw at Grantham.

Let's get some of your other emails looked at in the meantime. Last Thursday the Diary described our current state of affairs as Town's "longest ever period of fourth division football", which has drawn a questioning raise of the eyebrows from Phil Watson. "Three consecutive seasons the longest ever?" he asks. "Never! It just feels like it." OK, joint longest ever period. The season about to begin will be the Mariners' fourth in a row stuck in the bottom division - the same length of time as Town spent in the basement from 1968 to 1972, but twice as long as the club's two other dips to this depth (1977 to 1979 and 1988 to 1990). We'll call it a score draw, eh, Phil?

"Was on my way to the [KCFC] game around the back of Blundell Park," writes Matt Pakes, "when I noticed a car zooming towards my position. All 'chavved' up, beat box beating, wheels spinning, driver nodding looking 'cool'. Imagine my shock when I saw the driver's face. It was none other than Grimsby's very own Straight Peter Bore. I was very disappointed. I never knew the players had a complete disregard for speed limits. Just thought I'd let you know." Thanks, Matt... but as such senior figures as Sir John McDermott and Positive John Fenty have shown in recent times, the speed limits don't apply to holders of esteemed positions within Grimsby Town Football Club. If SPB ever gets pulled over by the police, he should at least experience no problem walking in a straight line.

"I don't mean to complain," begins a complaint from Eve Barnard, "but does Deviant Diary have to talk in riddles when he is standing in for your good self? It takes me all my dinner hour, and several readings of the same paragraph, to realise there's actually no news at all!" Our complainant cites a paragraph from yesterday's offering which ended "Now which hip swinging cat in the Grantham boardroom was a big Sammy Davis Jnr fan? They do, indeed, have a Sweet Gingerbread Man", and asks simply: "Eh????" But surely the most straightforward solution, Eve, would be to read Cod Almighty during your working afternoon rather than wasting your valuable lunch hour on us.

Speak of the devil! Our next email is from none other than Deviant Diary himself, responding to my tirade last week against the Premiership's 'solidarity payment' of £23,000 a year to fourth division clubs out of its new £2,700,000,000 TV deal. "Why so cynical, Mr Diary?" asks DD. "The philanthropic Premiership are donating to charity. The amount is not important, it's the principle. And £23,000 is a lot of money for poor people. Why, it's what Michael Ballack got paid for sitting in his jacuzzi between 10:30 and 12:45 on Sunday 1 April 2007 AND reading Die Suddeutsche Zeitung. Or perhaps he's more of a Kolner Wochenblatt sort of guy. It's difficult to tell, as well as spell. It is all about expectation management, after all." Riddles? Honestly, Eve Barnard - I've no idea what you mean, I'm sure.