Cod Almighty | Diary

Diary - Wednesday 1 August 2007

1 August 2007

The Grimsby Telegraph and Town's superb new official website speak with one voice in lauding the Mariners' performance in their 3-0 win at Grantham Town last night. The local paper finds warm words for Andy Taylor - scorer of two of the goals - and describes Gary Montgomery "dealing with everything he had to with consumContinued on page 47 mate ease", while the SNOS praises the contributions of wingers Peter Till and Nick Hegarty, who scored the third, and notes "an unnamed trialist in midfield for Grimsby". It falls to Tony Butcher, who attended the match, not only to tell us that the trialist has a name and that this name is Smith but also to pour cold water on all the Diary's flaming optimism by reporting that Town were rubbish. Hegarty, Ciaran Toner, Isaiah Rankin and Straight Peter Bore all come in for criticism from CA's match reporter extraordinaire - and don't get him started on Jamie Clarke ("not a full-back and never will be... no amount of coaching will make him one. He is a mistake"). "We have no right-backs, nor left midfielders," concludes TB. "We aren't sure about our keeper and the strikers all have flaws. We haven't moved on from June, have we." He agrees that Till played superbly though. Butcher, I mean, not Clarke.

Right then! As promised yesterday, here's what Pete 'impsTALK' Brooksbank has to say about Wes Parker, Gainsborough Trinity, Boston United and Guest Diary:

impsTALK, regrettably, feels it must take issue with Friday's Guest Diary depicting Boston United as the bad boys in the Wes Parker poaching scandal. Of course, it's not actually a scandal, since the only person even slightly upset by the affair is Gainsborough Trinity boss Paul Mitchell. We have no idea if Cod Almighty is familiar with Mitchell, but, if not, may we be the first to inform you that in the moaning, whining, whinging, ref-abusing, blame-dodging, journo-hounding stakes, Mr Mitchell is runner-up only to popular non-League gaffer and current Creepy Crawley boss Steve Evans.

Boston fans have long suffered his breathless post-match diatribes against linesmen and referees on BBC Radio Lincolnshire as they have waited to listen to... er, well, another breathless post-match diatribe against linesmen and referees (albeit in a Scottish accent). Suffice to say, nothing that ever goes wrong at Gainsborough Trinity is ever Mitchell's fault, and in this particular instance we're afraid he's guilty of another Evans-like habit: running to the press with a vitriolic outburst without first checking the accuracy of his story. Since the piteous Pilgrims can barely afford to flush the toilet, let alone pay a fee for a footballer, it would be practically impossible for them to 'poach' a player under contract. And you can't really tap up a free agent, can you?

By the way, impsTALK watched a bloke who goes by the name of Tony Crane stomp around the York Street pitch on Saturday, barging hapless Lincoln City players out of the way with a kind of savage brute force that would shame a wrecking ball, if wrecking balls were even slightly capable of feeling shame. This terrifying giant of a man had children hiding in the toilets and grown men crying into their Tinpot Noodles. The only thing he was missing was the green skin and bed-head hair. In short, he's the perfect Blue Triangle Rectangle Conference North player, although he crocked himself at the end and has still to be officially announced as a signing. We believe you once did a feature on him? Go on, tell us: how often does he get sent off?

Well, Pete, think of Jason Lee last season and the Tory party in opposition and you'll get some kind of idea as to Crane's disciplinary record at Blundell Park. In 2003-04, his first season with the Mariners, the player was booked 15 times and sent off twice (once, stupidly, when we were 5-1 up against Barnsley), then celebrated his return from suspension with an immediate red card for the reserves. Crane missed the following season through injury but took just three games of the 2005-06 campaign to take his enormous arse into the bath ahead of his teammates once again. After three more appearances Russell Slade had seen enough, and Crane's final act in a Mariners shirt was a spot-kick perfectly targeted to strike the top of the Dock Tower as we lost a penalty shoot-out in the Football League Trophy against Morecambe. Send him our love!