Cod Almighty | Diary

Diary - Monday 7 February 2011

7 February 2011

Mardy Diary writes: It seems to me that Sky are missing a trick with the replacement of Gray and Keys. Now would be the perfect time to experiment, try something different just for a little while to see how it goes. What I suggest is that we try TV football without punditry. No pre-match analysis, no half-time gibbering, no full-time ref-baiting. Just the football. You can have a host, someone who says: "And now, Aston Villa versus West Ham," and then at the end says: "And this is how the table currently looks." No comment or opinion on how things are or will be, just a simple introduction and leave the analysis to us. After all, I've been watching football for years, and looking at league tables for about the same amount of time - I think I've got it figured out now, to be perfectly honest.

Yes, gone will be matey, in-joke quips; players having a fit about a match they can see but you can't; tired old cliches; and Alan Shearer thrusting his crotch at the camera. No more tiring interviews with players trotting out the same old crap. No blah-de-blah goal-line technolo... yawn! No stating the obvious or telling us that you know nothing about the team England are playing because they're not Brazil, Germany or Spain and you can't be arsed to do the job you're paid for and actually do a little bit of research. No more.

Punditry isn't a recent, post-'93 thing of course - it's been around longer. But the quality has tailed off dramatically in recent years. I grew up with Saint and Greavsie on the TV, and in a lot of ways it was like a low-rent ITV sitcom. You laughed when you shouldn't and cringed when you should. But the analysis was largely kept to a minimum in my eyes, and that suited me fine. Anything marginally controversial would just be met with a half-shrug and a simple "It's a funny ol' game Saint". Marvellous. Move on, nothing to see here, back to the football. That's what we're here for isn't it?

Instead what we've been subjected to is well-paid players continuing to receive large sums of money in retirement for telling us things we either knew already (this isn't radio - I can SEE what happened) or telling us things we didn't need to know. Commentators are just as bad in this regard - from Motson just burbling out stats like some half-baked parody of himself to that awful commentator who seems to occasionally pop up on lower League/Conference games who just won't SHUT UP!

Another annoying trait that punditry has introduced to the game is 'catchphrases' that are picked up by casual TV footy watchers and regurgitated non-stop in any discussion about football. Yes, I'm looking at you Hansen, with your bloody naive this and naive that. If I hear another football supporter describe a player or manager as naive, I will be but mere whiskers from embarking on a killing rampage. Or perhaps, more rationally, I'd be better just fighting fire with fire: "You see Dave, you've shown a bit of naivety in your analysis of the referee's decision there and you've been made to look silly as a result."

And still the phrases come, repeated ad infinitum without any thought - the words just spew out effortlessly from mouths again and again. And no-one challenges them. They're just left to fester until it becomes normal and tolerated. "Football is a business" is a particular favourite - and yet I don't remember applying for a small business loan last time I went down the park for a kickabout. I did lose a few quid out of my pocket when going in for a sliding tackle though, so maybe I should have.

This brings me on to my pet peeve at the moment - and bear with me while I get this off my chest. Yes, it's your favourite and mine from the past couple of seasons: "It's a results-based business at the end of the day." Is it? Is it really? It's a results-based business is it? If that's the case, then why do any of us bother to turn up to games? Why show the games on TV? Why have match analysis and punditry? Why have online text commentary and stats? If it's a results-based business, then why don't I just not bother with anything else and simply look at the result at 4:45 on a Saturday (or a Monday night, or Tuesday night, or fucking Friday afternoon or whenever the fucking games are played these days)? No, if it's a results-based business, you see, then there's no need for any fucking punditry is there, pundits?

So there we have it: let's see some innovation in football. Let's have pundit-free football - just for a couple of years. Let's try it and see how it works out. You never know, it may actually increase our enjoyment of TV football.