Cod Almighty | Diary

Diary - Friday 11 March 2011

11 March 2011

At one point amid all the innuendo, rumour, counter-rumour, allegation and accusation in the vicinity of Blundell Park this past fortnight or so, a friend of a friend of your original/regular Diary's second cousin who once met Peter Furneaux's nephew at a service station on the westbound M42 whispered softly that there might be a game of football this weekend. And sure enough, your weatherbeaten Mariners travel tomorrow to Rockingham Road for the first time since 1925, with a great big hole in midfield for the 237,094th time since last season. Red card magnets Mark Hudson and Micky Cummins are both suspended, of course, while Bryan Hughes remains knackered. This leaves just Michael Leary and Dean Sinclair, who tells the Telegraph he hopes to perform well against Kettering, while also inadvertently letting slip that We've Not Been The Best Lately But We'll Get Better Soon, Honest.

This mantra, of course, has been repeated many times over the past ten years, only to ring hollow as the players keep getting worse. As a statement it carries as much credibility as, say, Deadly Con (Topcon) saying he's thinking of the long term and he'll leave the manager in place to get on with the job.

Kenny Arthur will be another absentee in Northants on Saturday, with emerging cult hero Steve Croudson again set to deputise, defying medical orthodoxy, all good sense, and the very laws of physics. Caretaker boss Dave Moore (who, until overseeing last week's win over Wimbledon, was one of those many GTFC assistant managers disliked by many supporters for absolutely no reason at all) may loan another keeper just in case. On the bright side, two recent run-outs for the reserves would seem to usher in some first-team action tomorrow for fragile frontman Charles 'Charles' Ademeno. Charles is sure to be keeping his fingers crossed for an injury-free return, though hopefully not so tightly as to risk tearing the ulnar collateral ligament of his thumb.

As for the opposition, Kettering have been muddling through amiably enough lately. Only the small matter of financial catastrophe and the imminent loss of their stadium have distracted them from the business of grinding out enough points for a mid-table finish. I can't find any team news to save my life, so you'll have to make do with that, I'm afraid.

Over to the Diary's inbox now, where an email from Michael Shelton nestles snugly. "Have we mentioned Stuart Campbell's appointment as manager of Bristol Rovers?" asks Shelts. "Apologies if I've missed it, but if it hasn't been mentioned please could it be? And could we have a brief moment of reminiscing over that stupid short corner he and Barnard used to take, moving the ball one yard before swinging it in, and taking one of our own players out of the game in the process?" Consider it done, Michael, because it has been. Next: the time when Alan Pouton and Stacy Coldicott took tactics into their own hands and sent Danny Butterfield to play at right-back when Lennie Lawrence wanted him in midfield.

Well, then, if we must, let us turn at last to the latest events wobbling the stable platform of the GTFC boardroom. In keeping with the increasingly unlikely and melodramatic nature of events, today's diary plays out with a look at recent developments at Blundell Park in the style of a cheesy American TV teen drama, probably about vampires or something.

VOICEOVER: "Previously..."

Footage of GTFC losing against Bath City, then Burton Albion; camera pans down through completed League Two table, showing GTFC in 23rd place

FENTY: "Just stay with us here. I know it's been hard. But we'll make it better, I promise. We'll make it better... together. In the building."

Footage of GTFC losing against Hayes & Yeading, Tamworth and Chasetown

FENTY: "If we didn't believe in what Neil Woods was doing, we would make a change but that's not the case."

Footage of GTFC drawing against Forest Green Rovers

FENTY: "With great regret, Neil Woods has been relieved of his duties as first team manager."

SUPPORTER: "But... you said..."

FENTY: "I know what I said, damn it!"

PARKER: "John, I know how much this means to you. But this time you've gone too far! I'm outta here!" [exit, slamming door]

Footage of supporters protesting in GTFC car park. FENTY approaches, eating a burger from the kiosk inside the ground.

FENTY: "It's OK! Peter Furneaux is leaving..."

SUPPORTERS cheer.

FENTY: "...at the end of the season."

SUPPORTERS boo.

FENTY: "Oh, alright then - now!"

SUPPORTERS cheer, embracing FENTY and lifting him onto their shoulders. Sustained scenes of joy, hugging, celebration, high fives. Suddenly FENTY and SUPPORTERS become aware of PARKER. Celebrations end, crowd falls silent. FENTY approaches PARKER.

FENTY: "So what about you, Mike? Are you with us now? C'mon buddy... I know we can make this work together. Going forward."

PARKER: "Gee, I dunno... you guys..."

SUPPORTERS encourage PARKER to return.

PARKER [shaking head]: "Well, y'see, it just ain't that easy. There are... issues." [looks down at the ground sensitively yet heroically] "Deeper issues."

PARKER walks away alone, watched by FENTY and SUPPORTERS.

Cut to PARKER at his desk, alone in his office, working by candlelight. Close-up on PARKER's face, illuminated by the candle, showing a crazed expression.

PARKER: "With my position there is no difference in the short term. Oh, no! No difference AT ALL!"

PARKER writing frantically on paper on his desk

PARKER: "This is not a tactical thing just to get one change through. It is a much deeper thing than that. Much... deeper."

Close-up on desk, showing share purchase application form, completed with request to take PARKER's shareholding in GTFC to one million pounds

PARKER: "Much deeper... MUCH DEEPER! A-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Curtains billow in sudden gust of wind through window. Thunder sounds from outside

Opening credits and theme music

All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental