Cod Almighty | Diary

Diary - Thursday 21 April 2011

21 April 2011

You've won the lottery, or maybe your idea on Dragons' Den attracted unprecedented interest from all five smug panellists, and you're rapidly heading into yacht purchase territory. Or perhaps you've scooped millions out of the mobile communications market, flogging handsets out of a warehouse. Either way you're loaded, so congratulations. You're also on this website so, unless you've got horribly lost trying to place an order for flaky white fish, you're also a Grimsby Town fan, or have at least a passing interest in the club, football, or people writing about football. Let's say you're a Town fan anyway. How do you fancy putting a few of those millions into the club? You do? Brilliant.

Your Part-Time Diary imagines it's harder to attract investment in the proper, real world. People with money tend to have it because they're good at making it and keeping it; basically, they don't often piss it away like a lot of the rest of us. So could GTFC ever be an attractive investment? Well, investment in itself would imply an expectation of profit, which is certainly not synonymous with Conference football, or most football for that matter. Putting money into football is like a night on the Jaeger bombs: it feels good at the time, but eventually you'll end up with a headache and an empty wallet. Except at Arsenal, apparently, but Grimsby are about as far from Arsenal as Britain is from having talent.

So what can Grimsby offer you if you decide to launch your money blindly in the direction of Blundell Park? Well, we can safely say you'll be investing halfway through the season to cause maximum disruption to the playing side of the club. Don't worry, this will serve to deflect attention from another stuttering season, and we all want the summer off, don't we? At first you may find it strange that some other investors, who've invested significantly less than you, have the same influence with their votes; don't worry, you'll get used to it. Now down to business. You've got loads of cash, right? Good, because with it being mid-season we're planning on sacking the manager(s), assistant, physio, whoever basically, so we'll need some money for that. Oh, and that means we'll probably be getting rid of the majority of the players at the end of the season, so we'll need to pay off their contracts. Isn't it expensive to pay off a three-year contract less than six months into it? Well, yes, but don't worry, you'll get used to that too.

So what about your investment going forward? We like planning stadiums here. With your money we'll set up a project for a stadium somewhere out in a village. They probably won't like the idea so they'll be loads of objections and hold-ups. Couldn't this divert attention from the decline of the actual football team, which results in successive relegations, thereby rendering any new stadium utterly fucking pointless? Hmmm, well, could do, but we really do like planning stadiums here. Hey, we might even con a local business out of a shedload of red hats for some naming rights for our imaginary ground. We'll also be looking to invest in the playing side each year. Oh right, to improve it? Well, hmmm, to sustain it, really - you remember me saying about the paying-up of contracts with all these new managers. So it's a bit of a lottery to be honest - some seasons are better than others, but it usually ends up with us getting relegated eventually.

Do I get anything else? Well, with you being a proper director now you get a say on the big issues, flasks, burgers and what goal celebration music to play to piss off the fans most. We'll also get you your own weekly slot at the car park to broadcast, erm, well, whatever you like really - just do it off the cuff and we can clean up the mess later. Don't worry - the fans are used to hearing contradictory, conflicting and generally untrue statements from the club. As a sweetener, as if you'd need one, we'll throw in a 25 per cent discount card for McMenemy's, a lifetime supply of Youngs (not the salmon ones) and a signed Tony Crane shirt. Interested? Thought not.