Cod Almighty | Diary

Diary - Monday 15 October 2012

15 October 2012

This is your Secret Diarist calling - happy 289th day of the year, the 46th anniversary of the Australian government banning The Troggs' 'I Can't Control Myself' for being terribly obscene.

As someone who can control himself and is never terribly obscene, Mr Shouty has gone all Shalamar on our posteriors as he can make you feel good, 'cause, unlike other guys, he just wants to practise what he preaches. He's been here long enough to know we don't do feelgood, but we have the return of the not-feeling-bad factor.

Roll on Saturday! I normally have rolls on Saturday, but the FA Cup fourth qualifying round is such a special day in our lives that one has to consider Town's special fish and chip offer. The consideration is complete. If you want overpriced, unappetising pea slop, phone Dave Smith NOW! NOW! NOW!

With Cod Almighty's Tetney ticket mule laid low by a flat tyre and a flat mood, we'll have to take a chance, take a chance, take chance-chance-chance with the NSNOS™ online ticket purchasing software. We're gonna do our very best and it ain't no lie. We're currently being given directions to Telford, via Alfreton. Pump up the volume of air in your cross-plies, Muffin!

Ah yes, Telford: scenes from a maul. Good game, terrible film. I saw that film for free and still wanted my money back. It's a grating, shallow drama notable mostly for its heinous miscasting, so the only common denominator is Anthony Elding. Listen here, self-styled wandering star of the lower leagues - stop whining, shut up and play better. The Cod Almighty Borgbrain is working on his biography and we've got as far as the title: In The Vicinity of Effort. Like him, we can't be bothered to go on. (Editor's note: remember to kiss the badge and wave to the readers.)

Ah yes, Telford. Sorry for circumnavigating the topic like the local ring road. It all went rather well, for professionals out-scuttled some part-time porters and their concierge. You have to applaud the local sense of humour for turning Hubbins right up to 11. Every monochrome is happy these days, even Albanian Andi, who's missing Aswad already.

Everything's coming up roses, so stay in the garden shed with your sherry bottle, John.