Cod Almighty | Diary

Diary - Friday 10 May 2013

10 May 2013

Mardy Diary writes: A document has been leaked to Cod Almighty outlining proposals for changes to the Conference's structure next season. The plans - which will apply to the Conference North and South divisions along with the Conference Premier - follow continued pressure for change placed on the league from certain sections of supporters.

Under the proposals - codenamed Operation Tinpot - the team with the largest fanbase (based on numbers through the turnstiles over the season) will be given the automatic promotion place. The teams with the second and third largest will contest a 'sell-off' final at Wembley with the winner decided by how many tickets each club sells of their allocation. No actual football will take place on the day.

Speaking to a contact at the Football Conference who did not wish to be identified, we were told that the measures are likely to be in place for the coming season, finally ensuring that Luton gain promotion back to the Football League. The sell-off is likely to be between Grimsby and Wrexham, where Wrexham will be hoping to emulate their FA Trophy final sales rather than the sales from their recent play-off final.

The change is also good news for Stockport, who will see themselves immediately promoted back to the Conference National after a single season in the Conference North, with the chance of automatic promotion back to the Football League the following season.

A spokesman for Big is Best - a big club lobbying group - welcomed the changes to the league structure. John Bigclub, chair of the group, said: "What we see here is the natural progression to a more modern league which rewards size rather than the outdated meritocratic system. Last season we witnessed minnows such as Dartford finish closely behind gargantuan big-club Luton based solely on footballing ability. This system, where such a small club can have success just by being any good, has to end."

Jeremiah Gate-Receipts, a member of the respected big club think tank MASSIVE, also welcomed the changes. He felt the proposals "added clarity and common sense" to the league structure, adding that the changes would "pave the way for a system that the fans have been craving for years". When questioned about the effect on clubs who lacked the ability to draw in as many supporters, he stated: "Nobody really cares about tinpot teams like Timsworth and Weaking, do they?"

Already, sycophantic and self-obsessed whiney fans of mid-to-large sized clubs have been tweeting at Alan 'Bleurgh Squire' Algar asking what odds they can get on their team for the title next year, then arguing when he responds: "Two billion to one, unless you're Luton - in which case we're not taking bets."

Teams in the Football League are said to be taking a keen interest in the proposals with the hope that a similar system can be installed in the League the following season. In particular, massive clubs such as Sheffield Wednesday and Wolves are hopeful of finally finding themselves in their 'true' position - the bottom half of the Premier League.

At Accrington a club spokesman simply said: "Bugger!"

Rumours that Forest Green plan to change their name to the New York Yankees in order to exploit a semantic loophole in the proposals have not been confirmed. It is also alleged that Kidderminster, Hereford, Telford, Tamworth and Nuneaton have plans to merge under the name The Midland Alliance FC to secure promotion to the Football League.

More on this massive story next week...