Cod Almighty | Diary

Turn left at the Nail Fairy

24 December 2013

Well hello there, it's your Special Bonus Diary with no time to stand and stare as long as sheep or cow are in the oven, but full of seasonal jeer, sorry cheer. Cheer, yes, cheer, cheer, hurrah, hurrah; we cheer Town now, don't we, now that Mr Nasty Man is but a mere detail of history.

'Allo 'allo, who's that knocking on the door? Who's that ringing the bell? It's a local bigwig with his anal massage to the wolds – sorry, annual message to the world. It's the usual seasonal triteness that Important People think they have to spout out before the sprouts have been bought. Blah, blah, blather, lather, yeah, yeah, new ground and thank you for the music, etc, etc, etc. I'm not even giving you a link, to protect you from furrowed brows and a surfeit of tutting.

Forget enforced jollity and frivolity; roll on Boxing Day and roll over Impies, please. Those morose Lincolnites are ravaged by injuries and ripe for a seasonal savaging from Mr Happy's merry men. A full squad, a full stand and a full set of hair – nothing can go wrong now.

Spoiler alert for those wending over the wolds to Sincil Bank! It's the time of year when bald men let their hair down and show their wacky, zany side. Watch out for those vegans in vests! Carnivores in cardigans! Piscavores in pyjamas! Remember, a puppy is forever but a comedy hat is just for Christmas.

Get there early, keep calm and bah homburg to you all.