The Diary

Cod Almighty | Diary

It crackles with potential implication

17 March 2014

It's Monday and your Special Bonus Diary is still seething, John, seething at not being invited to the voice of Radio Grumbleside's 30th anniversary waltz. I bought a purple ruffled shirt too. Yes, it was 30 years ago that Mr John Tondeur first floated his calm and reflective sighing across the airwaves, and it's been downhill since then. Look – facts! Boo, it's all you fault Jonah Tondeur, obviously; especially if we ignore the bits that were uphill.

Where's the match report? There's trouble at mill, lad. As a tribute to last week's death of socialism, Cod Almighty had embarked on an industrial dispute of its own, with the mad match reporter cast in the role of a hirsute Bob Crow. All match reports had been cancelled until further notice, with the non-paying public urging both sides to start negotiations. The everlasting egomaniac was in a strop about the missing Cambridge and Hereford reports.

We can all calm down now: it's all due to comedic misunderstandings involving information technology, George Osborne, the omnipresence of Rush on Planet Rock and the manager-formerly-known-as-Shorty's (MFKAS) insistence on playing Crag Disley as a lopsided left winger. It may be a March farce, but there were no vicars or depleted trousers involved. We have our standards, you know. At least we've nailed it before Nailsworth.

It's a reduced service today, so: Saturday in a dumb shell. Town fluffed three sitters, sneaked a goal, slumbered sleepily and finally awoke at the end to mask the dross. There's no letter 'x' in Welsh and the Welshies had no X factor: Wrecsham were woefully wrotten. Disley remembered how to head the ball, Long John-Lewis mis-spooned it again and the ref was dead acemer, despite what their moany manager moaned.

Town march on in March and, say what you will about Fentycon, at least Town can fill forms out. Poor old Alfreton have frittered three points away through the inability of the Conference to staff their office on a Saturday morning. Something to do with Christmas shopping.

At last, they listened to the wise words of your SBD. Last week's words of wisdom were to score more goals than the opposition. Today, Matthew, the lesson is ATTACK THE NEAR POST. Nailed on for Nailsworth now: nothing can go wrong.