Cod Almighty | Diary

These are shit, Town

6 June 2014

Mardy Diary writes: With Town poised to make a number of signings in the next few weeks, it's difficult in this digital age to know how to make your thoughts about the signings clear to others.

Fear not though, for Cod Almighty presents to you a handy cut-out-and-keep guide to commenting on social media - whether that be Twitter, Facebook or a good old-fashioned messageboard.

Just follow the steps below and you'll be posting barely coherent vitriol on the interwebs before you know it.

1. How old is the new signing?

Under 21: "Lightweight, needs to do some weights."

21 - 26: "Inexperienced, won't get us out this league."

Over 26: "His legs have gone."

2. Who has he played for before?

Loads of teams: "Journeyman, after another payday."

Scunny/Lincoln/Hull: "BOOO!! LINSCUM BUM TITTY!!!"

A player from the Conference: "Not good enough to get us out this league."

A player from the League: "On his way down, no good."

3. Previous honours?

Multiple promotions: "He was only a sub for them, hardly played."

One or two promotions: "Flukes. Wasn't really good enough."

Not a lot: "Never achieved anything, another loser."

At least one relegation: "WOT THE HELL HURSTS!!!!"

4. How tall is the player?

Under six foot: "Midget. Won't win anything in the air."

Six foot and over: "Gangly. Can't use his feet, can't pass. Rubbish."

5. Previous history with GTFC

Once turned us down: "He didn't want us, we don't want him."

Comment in local press about GTFC taken out of context: "Hate that wanker."

Had a trial under Russell Slade: "Wasn't good enough then, isn't good enough now."

Used to play for us: "Stop living in the past Town."

6. What sort of player is he?

Vocal and mobile: "Should replace Disley as captain."

Once captained youth team: "Should replace Disley as captain."

Shouts at everyone including ref: "Should replace Disley as captain."

Spent time behind bars: "Should replace Disley as captain."

Know nothing about him: "Should replace Disley as captain."

7. What is his goalscoring record like?

Hasn't scored much: "Typical Town player then. We're going down."

Scored loads two seasons ago: "Past his best."

Scored in a lower league: "Won't be able to replicate it in this league."

He's a goalkeeper: "Should've scored at least once in his career. Shit Town."

...don't have internet nightmares, folks. See you next week.