Cod Almighty | Diary

Behind Blue Eyes

9 June 2014

Hello, I'm Deviant Diary and I'm a Townaholic. I have been clean now for 40 days and 40 nights and yo, I feel good. I knew that it wouldn't take long to get over Gateshead.

For many the pain lingered on, but the Mariners Trust found Aimé Jacquet's filofax in the back of the Main Stand, and so the reunion of the Class of '98 let everyone wallow in misty memories of tireless Lee Nogan and Kingsley Black's hole. This summer our wallows continue with Town's latest friendly being against Jones-the-Stick's Doncaster, as they are known throughout this land.

With Town's annual Scott quotient already met, the question on everyone's lips is: who's next? Great album. Buy it now! It's a bargain, the best you'll ever have. That salty rumour mill is a-turning, with that old twister Sir John of McDermott anointing Luton's Shaun Whalley as a perfect Blundell Park fit. York City was so last year's model; this year's route to fourth is paved in old Southport gold.

Why don't you just sit back and relax watching the World Cup instead of worrying your little old head about Town. Think of England as a sort of international Town if you must. Boo Hodgsoners. Sort it! There, feeling better already, aren't you.

What was Fentycon up to last week? All those hours on the pitch and putt weren't wasted, for at the Conference annual golf day the collection of small furry chairmen gathered together with a sand wedge around that tricky bunker on the dog-leg par five eighth hole. Chip and chase or hit and hope? Decisions, decisions. It's another metaphor, John, just an excuse to winkle words out of the muddy pool of close-season news. I know, we're being so shellfish, another crabstick to beat you with. It's like shooting fish in a barrel.

What this? Financial problems at Conference clubs may lead to expulsions and reprieves for Chester and Dartford? Calm down, laddie – the suits in slacks let things slide by giving them a Mulligan. Like Quincy, Hereford and Salisbury keep asking for, and getting, just 24 hours to solve this thing. And right on cue, up pop mystery millionaires with promises, promises. Salisbury have got Mr Oxtail, the self-proclaimed youngest chairman in the world. And he chose them ahead of Premiership, Championship and La Liga teams! Young guns, go for it! Yeah, right, we believe you. Wise guys realise there's danger in emotional ties.

Personally, I never wear emotional ties.