Cod Almighty | Diary

The end of the world will be televised, with a man in a suit explaining why it happened, but not why he did not predict it

15 July 2014

Don't you just hate it when that happens? A player leaves a club and says a polite goodbye when he's asked to offer a up a few quotes for local media consumption. Then he joins someone else and makes some more polite comments for another audience which contradict what he told the club he left. It's the professional equivalent of responding to an unfortunate outburst with "Yes, Auntie Mabel. Have some more cake" for the sake of not spoiling someone else's big day.

If you are prepared to sign an affadavit that you will be first in the queue to buy the signed shirt of the player who tells the website that, actually his dream move was to Lincoln, go ahead and cast your stone. Otherwise, let's make like Alex Rodman, and Paul Hurst, and move on.

If the last month has told us one thing, it has surely told us that 95 per cent of footballers, 99 per cent of the time, should be seen and not heard. This also applies to ex-footballers. They have amply proved what CLR James might have said had he not been raised in Trinidad: "What do they know of football, who only football know?" Failing to anticipate, among other things, that Spain would be eliminated after two matches, that Costa Rica would win group D and that Brazil would implode, it is nevertheless a safe bet that Alan Shearer and Mark Lawrenson will still be occupying the Match of the Day smuggery in a few weeks' time.

One of the disgraces of the World Cup was Gary Lineker's bored tone when dutifully asking the question whether Georgios Samaras had cheated to win the penalty that took Greece rather than Ivory Coast into the second round. He got the answer he expected – that Samaras had 'the right to go down' – even as the pictures showed how he had stubbed his own toe. The punditry is drawn from a narrow circle, and its narrow scope reinforces their narrow outlook. The professional code of misconduct might accept the fall under minimal contact, but surely someone should have been on the airwaves asking whether that code improves or impairs the sport?

Somehow, broadcasters have bought the notion that viewers can only enjoy football if it is explained to them by a more or less articulate ex-pro. Your Middle-Aged Diary awaits the day when we are only allowed into Blundell Park if accompanied by a man with a cup winner's medal in his pocket.

Tonight, Harrogate Town offer you unmediated access to the Mariners' third pre-season friendly (and with John McDermott in the hosts' dug-out, friendly is the right word). Paul Hurst's squad may feature trialists, and we may have some new players to ponder later this week. Hurst may have thought with the three early signings he'd be spared the annual "We want to get players in, but they have to be the right ones" interview, but once again, there are column inches and column bytes to fill.

The rest is not silence.