Cod Almighty | Diary

Just my cup of tea

25 July 2014

Diaries on matchdays are even more gloriously ephemeral than usual, but I can say without fearing the ravages of posterity that tonight's run-out with Mansfield is going to be all about Liam. So – boo or clap? Personally I'm going to try to stay nonchalantly above it all, although I might switch from the Pontoon to the Main for a sneaky listen.

Did we ever find out whether Town actually offered Hearn a contract this year? If the answer is yes and he turned it down, I'm happy – it's just 'life' and Liam is himself the villain. If we didn't, the feeling that we've been 'had' somewhere along the line could be very painful indeed.

So, was Donny's first goal this week the fastest ever at Blundell Park? It must be close. This all-too-easy dissection of our hapless rearguard gave this once hilariously inconsequential opposition a full 89 and a half minutes to go on and make the scoreline thoroughly humiliating. This was nice for them and their handful of fans, who, let's face it, didn't travel far as they were almost certainly down Meggies already.

Despite this, your faithful Retro Diary remains defiantly upbeat going into this evening's supposedly lesser challenge, and is 'taking a positive' from Tuesday's game by being glad I didn't miss the moment of history by stopping for a Twix on the way to my seat.

There were genuine signs of promise – Arnold and Neilson showed hints that had they not played on each other's wings (explanation, anybody?) and could make an unholy mess of the weaker defences in the Conference. And, in his cameo from the bench, the new midfield midget Brown – identifiable at any distance by his one completely tattooed arm – was heartwarmingly keen. We hope that Mansfield's defence didn't see how easily the nippy Mackreth could be guided harmlessly away from goal and into the corner, or that Donny's centre-half constantly showed the supposedly left-footed Pittman on to his left foot, which tells you something, although I'm not sure what.

It is a possibility that 'JP' (shall we call him?) might decide he's "not sure about the place" anyway. Now in my youth I went through Oklahoma on the Greyhound, and I'm pretty sure the huge skies, geometric mudscapes and eccentric roadside furniture should make him feel pretty much at home in rural Lincolnshire. Set the satnav for Cheapside and don't think about it, I say.

Dare I even mention the interminable saga of the centre-forward, you know, the one who's about to step out into the light and cause earthquake-inducing amounts of hair to simultaneously rise? Apparently we can afford not one but two – but hey, let's not be greedy; how many goals does one team need? This has all gone on so long I've developed a kind of dull ache which seems to migrate daily between one vital organ and another.

For anyone who hasn't seen him, Ironside isn't the answer – he takes up good positions for the tap-in that never comes (Lenell take note) but he's too lightweight and has already entered a destructive dialogue with the Pontoon which clearly indicates the end is nigh – or 'achieved', as Mr Fenty would say.

Dagenham have just signed Jamie Cureton (does that mean they don't want Connell after all?). Leroy Lita has no club at the moment – now he could potentially trigger a cervico-follicular tremor, but so would his wage demands. Oh heck, there goes me looking too far up the leagues again. Down, boy.

No goals for Liam tonight please, for my health.