Cod Almighty | Diary

My alliums have drooped

11 August 2014

"Bertha, lovely Bertha, you are a lovely machine. And anyone who works with you will know just what I mean." One of the Grateful Dead's classic cartoon themes, of course. "Lenell, lovely Lenell, you are a goalscoring machine. And anyone who sees you, will know just what I mean." One of Grimsby Town's classic cartoon centre-forwards, of course.

Oi, Codalmighties, no! Cease your middle-class, middle-brow, middle-of-the-road chirpy cheap gaggery right now. Did you even bother to go? Your smug, cynical scribe was far too busy shuffling sofas in his ivory tower, wasn't he.

You see, your Deviant Diarist can read your mind.

Real Football started with a clang as TMFKAS's Town carried on grinding the coffee beans down Brizzle way. A pleasingly sensible 4-4-2 kept it tight, squeezed space, hit it long down the channels and clichéd its way to an inevitable dull draw. A pleasingly dull draw for those who occasionally glanced at hooky BT hook-ups though. Who can complain about a summer lunchtime of free boredom and mild irritation now and again? I will always remember the moment I ascended the stairs to hear a faraway commentary: "That was a good chance for Grimsby". Ah, that'll be Lennie. "John-Lewis will be disappointed." Aha, must be another open goal then. Yes, TMFKAS, we agree. It must have come too quickly for Lennie. During his lifetime.

Oi, Codalmighties. I said NO!

In the post-match puffery TMFKAS revealed that Connell's short-term deal is nothing more than a family holiday at the Beacholme – two weeks. Reet good value in terms of PR, hopefully reet good value on the pitch if his fellow professionals are able to understand his flicks and tricks. Yep, TMFKAS, that's why he gave the ball away. Connell was too clever for his fellow Townites, but there's always Tuesday night. A couple of days of team bonding down the slotties, with a game of crazy golf and finish with a fish supper will work wonders. We'll have double diamonds up front in no time.

And the injured players won't be de-injured by tomorrow night, so hang on to your tinpot hats – there may be some teatime tinkering with formations.

Elsewhere in the crazy world of the Bananarama Conference it's been a cruel, cruel summer for Nicky Law. The Nosferatu of Alfreton has been banned from football stadiums for six games for "incidents" last season which have yet to be explained by The Man. Looking for something to do on a Saturday, Nicky? Support your local community by visiting the local market. You look like a man in need of a tartan rug.

This diary was secretly brought to you by the advert break in the Stanley Baxter Christmas Show in 1976. You never noticed? Well, everyone was watching Morecambe and Wise. Now that's a metaphor and subliminal, if not sublime.

It's back.