Cod Almighty | Diary

Man, you should have seen them kicking Edgar Allan Poe

18 December 2014

Good afternoon, and thanks for being here. Your original/regular Diary would like to begin by sharing my favourite headline of the week. I can't quite put my finger on why I like it so much. I just do. Let's see what you think. Here it is.

Now, isn't that wonderful?

I didn't read the story or anything, because if I'm honest I am seldom very interested in interviews with football players, or managers. I just love the idea of being 'not sure about Nuneaton'. I perceive great potential for metaphor in this phrase. Because in the final analysis, aren't we all of us, every human being on this remarkable planet, in some vague but unmistakable way, not sure about Nuneaton?

Paul Hurst, one feels, is a man who has certainly been not sure about Nuneaton for most of his life. What does that mean? I have no idea. He's been watching some football players play football, though, and given an appropriate combination of circumstances, he might ask some of them to come and play football for Grimsby Town. We emphasise, of course, that the circumstances will have to be correct. "The reality is, again, that we won't be doing anything in desperation. We are not forced to need anyone straight away, depending on how we –" and at this point I taste ash in my mouth and feel the urge to run 14 miles into the countryside, dig a hole, and bury myself deep in the soil, never to see or hear of football again.

It's not you, Matt – it's me.

So how much is a half season ticket again?

It's the same with the fans' forum, really. Has any of these events ever really shed light on anything? Yes, of course it should be a thing. Of course the people running the club should be open to questions from supporters in this way. It's very healthy. The form is good. The content? Where's my spade? Yes, John, thanks. But what the fans really need to know is: don't you ever crave to appear on the front of the Grimsby Telegraph dressed in your mother's bridal veil?

You can't tell a Grimbarian anything.

"Media Persons Required" is probably my second favourite headline of the week. "THE club are looking for two reliable persons to help in the club's media department." I know. Perhaps they can start by leading a session on plurals, repetition and subject-verb agreement. Exposure, experience, exasperation. You pay peanuts, you get monkeys. You pay nothing? You get a society where the media is dominated by people from a social class wealthy enough to gain employment experience through internships, rather than talented media practitioners, and the monkeys end up running the country because the media is both unwilling and unable to hold them to account. Now excuse me while I pick up my sizeable pay cheque from the Cod Almighty accounts department.

And have you asked about chips at GTFC yet, Chris?

Right, I'm off. It's nearly two o'clock and I haven't had a sandwich yet. See you.

No, seriously – how much is a half season ticket?