Cod Almighty | Diary

Get well soon, Tony

16 January 2015

Retro Diary writes: Every analysis of Town's stuttering start I have heard this season includes the words 'if we can beat Barnet twice'. If I had a pound for every time I've heard this, I'd have enough to stump up Ched Evans's wages for twelve minutes. Well, the time has come to piss or get off the pot – tomorrow it's Barnet round 1, and it's on TV, with a day-wrecking kick-off time of 12:45.

Now lest you should accuse me of asking too much, let me say first of all that I would be happy, for now, just to beat them once. If we manage to reach the Trophy semis then the away game will be put back anyway – possibly into a nerve-wracking end-of-season top-spot showdown, or more likely to an anticlimactic gatecrashing of the Bees' promotion celebration.

Last season this fixture was a memorable one. In that game I thought Barnet played the best football I have ever seen in the Conference. Only their toothlessness up front let them down, and in the end we overcame them 2-1. It was one of those occasions when one of football's nobility, the eccentric but still-classy Edgar Davids, graced the hallowed turf wearing number one on his back – the first time I have ever seen this from an outfield player.

Also, this was the match when a last-minute injury to Liam Hearn ended his season, and possibly when posterity unfolds, his career. He was replaced for that final minute by Joe Colbeck, whom Hursty afterwards declared to be "a much better player when he doesn't touch the ball". The afternoon was capped off by some brain-dead loon chucking a brick through the Barnet team coach window, prompting a flood of conciliatory messages from Town fans on social media, which were answered with refreshing graciousness by Davids himself.

The signing of John Akinde for Barnet this year has been inspired, and with a decent goalscorer in place it doesn't surprise me that they have powered away at the top under the no-nonsense managership of Martin Allen. They've just signed Michael Gash from Kiddy too. I don't think he'll start, but you always have to fear someone with such a cool name.

Barnet have recently moved from their traditional home, the sloping and not-very-good Underhill, to a dazzling set of sports facilities in Edgware near Canons Park tube. The complex is let down only by the ground itself – which is either neat and modern, or unambitious and depressing, depending on whether you've got a soul. The whole peculiar arrangement seems to put football second to rugby league (London Broncos play there), conferences and gyms, and to almost beg nearby Arsenal to adopt Barnet as their feeder team and training venue.

Barnet built their only stand worthy of the name taller than they had permission for, and then the floodlights, monstrously, twice as tall as agreed. At first, Harrow Council ordered them to demolish the lot, but later backed down, saying they didn't want to risk taxpayers' money on the case. So there you go, Mister F – build New Blundell Towers where and how you like. The lesson from Barnet is ignore planning permission: once it's up, the rules are binned.  

This week the now-familiar pincer-movement of Telegraph and club has embarked on a rousing attempt to bring round listless and disconsolate fans. Apart from the promise of a mystery new signing, tomorrow it's kids-for-nowt, families-for-cheap, sit in the Osmond if you like, and have a newly declared safe flag to wave on the telly.

I approve wholeheartedly of this sort of thing in this customer-orientated age, or indeed in any age, and the family stuff is great as long as they don't try to stop me from swearing. I'm fully prepared to ignore the slight whiff of blame-deflection so long as the symptoms of our problems aren't being used as an excuse for the cause – this sort of enforced jollity only works so many times. But for now, let's take the chance. Pass me that BS-ISO-20712-2:2007 compliant flag, and COME ON!!!