Cod Almighty | Diary
Call that an earthquake?
22 May 2015
Retro Diary writes: It's high time I took a rest from thinking about football and got on with my summer. But I'm still at the 'non-acceptance' part of the grieving process, where I want to turn the clock back to midday on Sunday and replay it all with a different outcome. I can't help thinking what would have happened if Hannah had come on, or if Neilson had remained a Town player. Or if someone had just sent JP down the pitch with a pat on the bottom and a little instruction to make sure he hit the target. Or if Lenell had attacked the near post in the last minute of extra time when the ball pootled tantalisingly across the Bristol goal. Or the ref hadn't been such a contemptible mollusc.
I know, don't tell me; there's no point (sigh).
This week my grown-up stepdaughter, rather fed up of it going on so long, asked me: "Why do people get so upset about football?"
"I'm not telling you," I said, "because if you have to ask, there's no chance at all of you understanding the answer."
"Try me" she said. (I knew it was a mistake.)
"Because it's important."
No response.
"Because it's not just a game. It's about our identity."
Erm, no…
"OK. Since you ask, it's because it's a super-condensed version of real life which will make you wiser than reading a thousand novels, and which contains metaphors for absolutely everything. Because it's a lifelong relationship from which there can be no divorce. Because it's a ride with no controllable trajectory. Because it involves travel, family histories, mass hysteria and collective memory. Because it involves enormous, enormous amounts of pain, sometimes over long periods. And because it provides an object lesson in humility.
"But, it's also extraordinarily beautiful when it's done properly. It's chess, ballet and war all rolled up. It's art for athletes. Successes are so rare they may never even come. And your whole identity, and the way people see you and judge the place which created you, depends on it. Which makes the very few times when it all goes right, existentially, metaphysically and life-changingly brilliant".
That's why.
"So", she said, "it's like hitting yourself with a big stick, because it's nice when you stop?"
"Yes", I said. "It's exactly like that."
The striker we've got lined up to replace Hannah must have a better goal ratio than Hannah's highly impressive 0.53 over 53 games. I shall look forward to that very much
With the retained list now out, it seems that we are about to set about next season with the same manager and the same team but with all the goal threat removed. Why do I get the feeling that as August approaches, the fans will ask where the goals are coming from, Mr Fenty will tell us there's a forward on the way who will make our hair stand on end, the said striker won't materialise, we'll finish third because we don't score enough, and we'll lose in the play-offs. Please tell me I'm wrong.
And apparently we thought it was a good idea to let Ross Hannah go. Jolly good – so the striker we've got lined up to replace him must have a better goal ratio than Ross's highly impressive 0.53 over 53 games. I shall look forward to that very much, Mr Hurst.
In a historical sense, Town have reason to worry. Already, less than half the people are turning up to Wembley as went in 1998. There are fans well into their twenties who have known nothing but failure, and think of the fourth division as success. Even BT Sport said: "Grimsby think they should be a League 2 club." Actually no, we think we should be a Championship club. FFS, BT Sport – is anybody there over fifteen?
So will we now fade tamely into oblivion? Will our support wane as we become mid-table, part-time no-hopers? Will we become like (gulp) Gateshead?
Personally, I don't think so. But in order to move forward I think we need to get one thing straight. That next year, the job of the manager, whoever it is, is to finish top. Anything else is failure. No more of this hard luck play-off crap. No more 'see how it goes'. No more 'very disappointed'. Top. Or… Not or anything… top.
And right now you can't rule it out. We now know exactly what is required, and from a starting point of 'here', it might just be a case of avoiding making the same mistakes again.
So here for starters is a list of five things which next season should result in an immediate club fine, pyrotechnic meltdown, overthrow of the government, and armageddon:
1. Playing one up front, or any system which is plainly incomprehensible
2. Worrying about the opposition instead of letting them worry about us
3. Having no-one attacking the ball at crosses
4. Playing for draws, unless two goals down in injury time
5. Defensive substitutions of all kinds
That should do for now. If we can sign up to all that – and commit to acquiring two proper goalscorers and attacking ever other team like buggery, regardless of any other consideration – I can truly get on with my summer.
P.S. If we asked Ross Hannah to come back, do you think he would?