Cod Almighty | Diary

And we'll tak' a right gude-willie waught

1 January 2016

Retro Diary writes: Well, happy new year to you all. New year is, of course, a made-up thing. Like Christmas, three o'clock and longitude. That is, as opposed to things like solstices, sunset and latitude, which are real. A subtle point, I confess. New year, despite being artificial, is nevertheless positioned rather cleverly, falling just after everything from the previous year has withered and died, and just before the first signs of the following spring start to burst forth. Well, in the northern hemisphere anyway. It's one of those naturalistic nuances that nobody really cares about any more.

English people routinely start the year by singing the wrong words to Auld Lang Syne (the words "for the sake of" do not actually exist), and in so doing irritate the Scots. So after just thirty seconds of the new year, auld acquaintance has remained well and truly soiled. I have to say, I'm not going to start hugging Lincoln fans in the street either, just because the calendar has changed.

In football, in any case, our new year was back in August. By January we already know that Chelsea aren't going to win the Premier League title (heh, heh). Neither are Town top, which is a concern, but things seem to be going in the right direction, and we still hold out hope that 2016 will turn out to be as momentous a year in the annals of posterity as 2010 was a nightmare one.

My predictions for 2016 are that in the UK we'll lose a small cohort of national treasures, we'll have some extreme weather, some sporting records will be broken, and if someone was a complete arse in 2015, they still will be. The government and media will continue prattling on endlessly about the economy while completely ignoring the much more profound problem of environmental destruction.

There is one great Grimsby institution, lost in 2015, which we should certainly mention. I refer, of course, to 'Scaffer Baffs', which dunked its last punter less than two weeks ago, on 20 December. Pounding those lanes has been a rite for so many local people, going back to 1962. Who present can forget those lunatics jumping into the pool from gaps in the (extremely high) ceiling during the old 'Aqua Show'? That was the same sort of contempt for life and limb that used to see people squashed into a packed Pontoon until they could scarcely breathe. Elf and safety has made everything, well, safer and more elfy. But at the same time there is no doubt that something bonkers and a bit brilliant has been lost.

Never mind, though: the shiny new pool – which is shorter, has no children's facilities, café or any replacement for Scartho's rare and precious diving bay, and is miles away from where most people live – has only cost £8.4million, not to mention the £2.5million it will cost to knock the old one down. It would have cost a mere £5million to completely refurbish the more central and much-loved Scartho. I could partly have forgiven all this if the new building had any eco-credentials by way of mitigation, but it has none.

If you can think of any good local project which could have used the wasted six or so million – you know, the sort of essential town-promoting crowd-pleaser that's so far taken twenty years to fix, and is going to need a lot of money very soon – please put your hand up.

Personally I don't subscribe to the popular conspiracy that Scartho Baths will be removed to make space to pile a giant road straight through Barrett's to the doorstep of the mooted Peaks Parkway Superdome, thus providing easy access for visitors from the A46. Were the cemetery not in the way, I could have happily signed up to that piece of gossip, but it seems unlikely to be true.

Now, with Devon Diary having ably introduced us to Guiseley, it just remains for me to turn up and watch the game tomorrow – a luxury. After Lincoln, I expect Town never to lose again.

So here we stand (or sit, these days), with the great unknown of 2016 stretching before us. These are intriguing and exciting times, much more so than usual, and we get the feeling in our water that something very special may be happening. Whatever you do, enjoy the journey. There is a sense, indeed, in which the journey is the point – the only bit which is actually real.

In a week in which the world lost Lemmy, Meadowlark Lemon and John Bradbury – not to mention the passing on 16 December of Town's ever-popular, promotion-winning full-back Brian Keeble – we are reminded of the relentless forward motion of time, and that none of us are getting any younger. In 2016, what happens to your football team might be the least of your problems. But whatever else fate chucks at you, don't worry about Town – I'm sure it's all going to be OK.

For us, Conor Townsend is almost certainly out, to be replaced by Gregor Robertson, who against Lincoln, according to Hursty, was "like a duck in water" (yes, OK, we know what he means). Andy Monkhouse plays on despite Achilles trouble, and James Alabi has gone back to Ipswich. For them, both Boshells may feature, the younger perhaps from the bench. Now the derby is safely behind us, Liam Hearn has returned to Lincoln and apologised to his team-mates. This is technically nothing to do with us of course, but we may allow ourselves a stifled "good lad". UTM.