Cod Almighty | Diary

How much of the world should I give to the bishop?

12 February 2016

Retro Diary writes: I very much enjoyed Devon Diary's exposition on our town's fascinating 'psychogeography' yesterday. I, too, often find myself wondering what the name of Grimsby fires up in the minds of lower-division footballers – those itinerant journeymen who can't remember anything before the 1990s (if indeed that far back), but in whom we invest so much.

One hopes, in a way, that they are relatively indifferent to the name, its connotations being likely not to help. Some players, of course – I like to think the more discerning ones – finish up liking it here so much that they stay and make this their permanent home.

When I'm away and people ask me where I'm from, I have been known to say: "Gr… er… Cleethorpes." Does that make me a bad person? Although I've occasionally been known to complain about the shortage of culture here, I do quite like Cleethorpes. It has cheap housing, friendly people, perfect chips and miles and miles of glittering coastal wilderness, overlooked by a football club with the best fans, and view, in the world. It could all be so much worse.

My mates from down south love visiting here – for the sea air, open space and that slight human rawness that they miss in their own suburban lives. It is a welcome 'time-out' for them. All topped off with the chance to watch football from the peerless Upper Findus. And Cleethorpes, I tend to think, is getting slowly better as the years go by.

But Grimsby… well, OK – we love it. As we speak the cherry, plum and crocuses are blossoming around the People's Park. But its appeal seems predominantly based on nostalgia. Let's face it, as a town it needs a rethink (can I say that? I think I just did). But maybe, just maybe, as highlighted yesterday by Devon, we've just been handed the answer on a plate.

This image, brought to you in yesterday's diary, is so extraordinary that it deserves another look.

I am very proud of this, if true, but part of me doesn't quite believe it. Politically, the towns that the Green Party targets for votes, and not without reason, are Brighton, Norwich and Bristol. You maybe expect a bit of a planet-conscious vibe from educated liberals in and around the main population centres, and from the organic veg basket set. But not Grimsby. And not (don't laugh) Doncaster.

Look at that list. A more perfect Family Fortunes answer to a request for the public to "name a provincial shithole" would be hard to invent. It's all slightly odd.

One of my London mates who sometimes comes to watch Town with me couldn't contain his mirth at the list, describing it as indicating "the towns where you're most likely to have a wheelchair dropped on you from a block of flats". (Steel yourself, the film's not even out yet.) To me the list looks a bit like the second division circa 1984, although in the football stakes Warrington have clearly underachieved.

Big cities are where the country's wealth is created. But global environmental collapse is currently being precipitated by our policymakers' hard-to-shift belief that the economy can grow indefinitely on a planet of finite size. Ironically, folks in cities who are creating most of the growth are those least able to cope with the consequences. It would take little more than a mochaccino shortage to send Londoners out panic buying, but someone living out in the sticks with an allotment, a small copse and solar panels on their roof might go through very Armageddon without even knowing it had happened.

Imagine a future where oil costs next to nothing a barrel, but nobody wants it any more because there are much better ways of doing the same thing. Cars, and therefore towns and cities, are whisper-quiet. 'Pollution' just means too much water vapour. Householders help to pay their mortgages with the energy their houses produce. Actually, this is the future. No, really. In fact, no other kind of future is possible, although you won't hear it said very often through the usual oil-sponsored channels.

We're now officially, and by no small margin, the greenest place in Britain. Could this be our ticket to a more distinguished and respectable future? Or will it be yet another opportunity we let slip?

And we, Grimsby, rather amazingly, are miles ahead of the game. We're now officially, and by no small margin, the greenest place in Britain. Could this be our ticket to a more distinguished and respectable future? Or will it be yet another opportunity we let slip? Is this a chance for us to drag our name out from under the wheelchair?

Just a small point – do we see anywhere from Gloucestershire on that map? No we do not. Hey you, Green fans. Did Dale back the wrong horse or do you need to start walking the walk? You changed your colours and everything, you muppets. Keep up.

Right – having insulted our rivals, let's get back to the ol' bag of wind. Tomorrow we take on our friends Boreham Wood from Borehamwood. Not quite a novel fixture, but the first time we've entertained them at our place.

Boreham Wood have fewer points than games played, which at this stage of the season always indicates proximity to the bottom. They concede very few goals – indeed, you have look as high as Braintree in seventh before you find another team who have conceded fewer. But they score even less. They have the lowest home crowds in the division. Arsenal Ladies play their games at Meadow Park, and get bigger crowds than Boreham Wood themselves. For tomorrow's match, the chairman is subsidising a luxury coach for the small travelling contingent – the 'Wood Army' – who can make the trip for £15. Hoorah, I hear you say.

This is where I get into trouble for saying we "should be beating the likes of" Boreham Wood. We remember grumpily teams like Wolves and Middlesbrough saying that they 'should be beating the likes of' Town. Well, so they should. But it doesn't mean they always do, and that is understood. I don't see what's wrong with it.

"The likes of" is merely shorthand for something statistically valid, remembering also that patronising one's opponents is one of the reasons God gave us football. Sometimes it's nice to be the underdog anyway – after all it's how memories are made. So yes, we should be beating them – there I've said it. Does it mean we definitely will? Of course not.

For us, Captain Fantastic is one booking away from a suspension, so the days of the double-ginger central midfield might be numbered. Horwood continues to deputise for Robertson at left-back.

And for the diary: Southport (H) and Guiseley (A) will now be played on Tuesdays March 8 and 15 respectively.

UTM!