Cod Almighty | Diary

In the 'know'

4 January 2017

Middle-Aged Diary's sources suggest that Jamey Osborne is close to joining Grimsby Town. Grimsby boss Marcus Bignot is a known admirer of the Solihull midfielder, having signed him for Moors last summer. The main stumbling block is said to be Osborne's concern that the official site will keep calling him 'Jamie'. The former Redditch man is said to regard the spelling of his name as important as a reflection of his west midlands heritage. "You can't say 'Jamey' without putting on a Black Country accent," my source tells me.

Town supremo Bignot is interested in signing players of character. There's no mystery about the source of this story. It's just what every manager of a lower-league or non-League club always says. Even Mike Newell signed players for their willingness to take a full part in team-bonding sessions. Bignot is in discussions with the estates of William Thackeray and Kingsley Amis for the signatures of Becky Sharp, a scheming number ten, and 'Lucky' Jim Dixon, a mercurial winger. 

I'm hearing a whisper from one of my contacts that Roy Hodgson is ready to join the race for the Mariners' highly-rated striker Omar Bogle. The erudite Hodgson, a crossword enthusiast, has realised that the Town hotshot's name is an anagram of B More Goal, making him ideal for a mobile phone promotional campaign. An obstacle to the move may be Bogle's desire for game time, something that Hodgson – currently without a club – will not be able to guarantee.

Elsewhere, I'm hearing noises from near the home of sacked Hull boss Mike Phelan. Details are vague but it's along the lines of "You ungrateful bastards. What the hell were you expecting of us?" The Hull vacancy is being linked with just about every artistic or literary figure associated with the city, because southerners think it's really funny that anywhere outside the M25 might have culture.

Right, my phone's ringing. Hold on for another hot-off-the-presses scoop...

Oh. That was actually the Cod Almighty editor. I'm told we are signed up to the Social Media Airy Contacts 'Knowing' Obfuscation in Football Fanzines (Smack Off) Code of Practice. They've asked me to make clear this is all stuff I've ripped off from Twitter or just made up, then put my computer away and finish my homework.

Sorry.