Cod Almighty | Diary

There is no CA style guide entry for bellend, or bell-end

31 May 2018

Martin Allen has almost all the qualities required to be a successful football manager. He has good experience, an ability to improve the fortunes of failing clubs, and an admirable working knowledge of the lower leagues. Really, the only thing letting him down is the fact that he's the world's biggest bellend.

Your West Yorkshire Diary has always been undecided over whether 'bellend' should be one word, two, or hyphenated. Personally, I'm all for making things one word. But I'm not so convinced that jeb-end should be one. This is a word, or insult, that has been thrown around the office quite a bit in recent months yet I'm still unable to ascertain what a 'jeb' is, and whether, God forbid, we should consider a double 'b' to knit it together. But it seems more playful and slightly less aggressive than bellend, so maybe Martin Allen is a jeb-end.

Bellends, jeb-ends, whatever. Football is full of them and it would be unfair to pick on Martin Allen when you could pluck out anyone at random and be fairly confident that they would fit the bellend criteria like a glove. Talented though they are, after winning a third successive Champions League trophy both Gareth Bale and Cristiano Ronaldo immediately started talking about themselves at the full-time whistle, as if their futures were more important than Real Madrid – the football club, let's not forget, that pays them amounts of money so grand that us mortal folk can barely comprehend it.

Someone once told me it literally isn't worth Gareth Bale's time to pick up a pound coin if he saw one on the floor because he earns that amount in three seconds. Whether he's scoring an overhead kick on the European stage or sleeping at 3am, that money continues to roll in – and that's before we even get onto the great wads of cash he earns through sponsorship and image rights.

That end of football – the bellend, perhaps – is so far removed from the common people that it's barely football any more. The fact that Michael Jolley gave up some of his own time to serve our supporters in the club shop this week makes me feel kind of glad that we didn't somehow fluke our way into the money machine and become a club so awash with cash that it will always and forever be in the shadow of absolute bellends and not care whether fans turn up or not (although some may argue that this is exactly where we are now).

The point when clubs realised they earn more money from TV and sponsorship deals than what they receive on the gates was the point when the sport left the fans behind. Sure, we can continue to support those clubs, but if they're not dependent on our money then we'll continue to fall down their list of priorities – and so abhorrent things like Game 39 and B teams will eventually happen. They could play all their games behind closed doors and still make a fuckton of money, so why should they do anything for us?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that while it’s important to have dreams, aim high and be the best you can be, it's not really worth it if you sell your soul to get there, or you don't feel emotionally attached any more. I think I’d rather stick to being a very good lower-league side that employs managers who truly engage with the fans, and players who mix with the local community and help ramp up that sense of belonging, than watch primadonnas who swan around thinking they own the place.

I think I'd rather Jolley sign players I'd never heard of than a 'name', as some of the most high-profile players to have adorned the black and white shirt in recent times have hardly covered themselves in glory. I'm trying not to pick on Paul Warhurst here but, I'm sorry, I can't help it – especially as I had a soft spot for Wednesday when I was growing up, and he looked so talented in the same team as Chris Waddle.

A manager who can get the best out of players means he can sign someone average and turn him into a valuable asset, and he can afford to sign a bit of a dud but still get something out of him. I confess to knowing very little about our first summer signing, centre-back Alex Whitmore, but Jolley has in his short time in charge already gained my complete trust in the transfer market given the way he got a hat-trick out of JJ Hooper and turned Martyn Woolford into an integral part of our flailing midfield.

Keep signing those players I know nothing about, Michael. Keep signing those modest, down-to-earth lads that, upon achieving success with the Mariners, won't be talking about their next career move but about how proud they were to bring the good times back to a great club like Grimsby.

UTM!