Cod Almighty | Diary

And the crowd has gone holistic!

14 April 2021

BOTB Diary writes: Hmmm. Yes. A very quiet Wednesday diary, news-wise. Lots of games last night, none of which really affected us, since Barrow are now pretty much play-off contenders. Scunny lost 4-1. Gloating from our league position doesn't really work, though, does it? Haha! Silly old Scunny. Take that, Scunts. Hahaha. Sigh.

There have been a lot of anecdotes about Prince Philip this week. I have a third party one of my own. I met someone who was a gardener at Balmoral. He told me he rarely met the royal family in his duties, but Princess Anne was quite nice. "What about Prince Philip?" I asked. "I only saw him once," he replied. "I was mowing the lawn on a sit-on mower with my headphones on. Because I had my headphones on, when I was on the road for a few seconds, I didn't notice the royal carriage behind me. When I realised I took my headphones off and left the road. Prince Philip leant out of the window and screamed 'get out of my fucking way!' at me."

There you go, BBC. You can have that one for free.

I'm delighted that Town's funeral on Saturday has been brought forward so our 90 minutes of silence doesn't clash with the old man's one minute of silence. When is his minute's silence? Sometime on Saturday afternoon I'd imagine. I'm sure we will all remember him in our own way.

The Telewag recently ran an article on "Town's Season of Chaos." It's been a beaut, hasn't it? A real-life soap opera with Fenty as Dirty Den, Holloway as, er, Dirty Den, and Stefan Payne as Dirty Den. To be honest I've never watched EastEnders, but I know Den was dirty. Didn't he murder a man in a taxi or something? I don't know. I should Google it. Knowledge is power! Reg Holdsworth. I liked him. He never murdered anyone in a taxi. Or if he did, he kept very quiet about it.

If Paul Hurst was in a soap opera, he'd be an extra in the pub at Emmerdale. They'd give him a speaking part once to try him out, realise it wasn't working, and he'd be relegated back to standing there and supping a pint while looking Yorkshire.

Look, the only time I've ever watched a soap opera was one episode of Coronation Street with Deviant Diary and Miss Guest Diary in the 1990s. Give me a break, here.

Our next game is against Bolton who are third, and who managed to beat Salford away last night. I can only assume Declan Bourne wasn't "refereeing." I'm never going to forget that name. Bolton being third and on a good run of form sounds scary until you realise that the team in fourth place is Morecambe, and the team on top of the league is Cheltenham. I mean, if Bolton are one place ahead of Morecambe and two places below Cheltenham, exactly how good can they be? The answer to that O-level maths question is, sadly, probably better than us. One thing we won't be able to say when the Football League flushes the toilet this year is that we didn't deserve to go down. Never has a team deserved to go down more.

As previous diaries have pointed out, under the reign of hopefully soon-to-be new Town owner Jason Stockwood, we are trying to get B Corporation Certification. This involves some environmental stuff, which I'm all in favour of, and lots of other words. And a certificate. Look, I've read too many Dilbert cartoons. This isn't the place for my cynicism.

One of my favourite moments from the last week was when a Fishy contributor and Fenty cohort/fan/relation/lickspittle castigated the other posters for insisting on judging Fenty's performance by "GTFC's position in the Football League". Sadly I'm banned from The Fishy after I murdered someone in a taxi, but luckily others were able to say what I wanted to say. You might be able to guess what that was.

Has the facepalm gone out of fashion? I'm old, I don't know. These days you're probably supposed to go "wut?" or "state!" or "duh!" or use a gif of a little girl looking uncomfortably bewildered and unimpressed, or hold a minute's silence for the other person's brain, or put up a picture of Spongepants Squarebob doing something amusing.

I'll be honest, I've been out of my depth several times in this diary. Yes, I've hidden it well, I know, cheers.

Note to self: next week, aim lower.