Cod Almighty | Diary

From inside the hole

23 August 2022

It should be a great day.

The draw is as good as it could be: a relatively near, top-flight team with, for some of us, the lingering memory of Championship and European Cup wins under Brian Clough adding to their lustre. There used to be, Middle-Aged Diary remembers, a faint affinity between our clubs, a sense that Forest fans viewed their players with the same wry affection that we had for our own.

Of course, the days when a top-flight club would pick their strongest side for a domestic cup tie - and we would still think we had a decent chance against them - are gone, at least for now. But their fringe players still cost more, are paid more and get more intensive preparation than we can dream of matching. That they are fringe players makes this, to reverse the cliche, their cup final. They are playing for their places, for their careers. They have more at stake than we do. If Town pull off a result, it'll be a night to remember.

It should be a great day, but I woke up feeling like shit. We talk about mental health and about the importance of talking about it, but then the reality of it settles on me like a lead overcoat, my reluctant brain turning everything grey. The mood is unaccountable. It has no rational basis and will last as long as it lasts. Allowing myself to write about it here helps, so thank you for your forebearance. I know it is the most inappropriate day for it.

I am lucky. I have a partner and colleagues who understand my depression and cope with my coping mechanisms. Others are not so fortunate, and I wonder how a footballer, gearing up for one of the big games of their career, might manage if they woke with this weight on them. I have more confidence now that the support they need will be available to them than I would have had a few years ago.

If there is a point to any of this, it is only that we are all fans in our own way, and we all have our own issues. If Town are pushing for an equaliser tonight, or clinging on to a one-goal lead, but your near neighbour is not joining in with the chants, it is not because they want it any less than you do. That emotion, and perhaps others besides, will be bottled up inside them.

Enjoy the day, to the best of your capacity.