Cod Almighty | Diary

I can't believe my ombudsman lives in a burrow

23 June 2023

For some reason I was watching the highlights from Scotland vs The USSR in 1982, and I began to wonder, whatever happened to the straightforward two arms in the air goal celebration? I mean, yes, it looked desperately uncool. But, apart from that, it seemed perfectly fit for purpose. Modern goal celebrations can of course be rather elaborate, involving teammates, choreography, lighting and costumes. The trouble is, if the opposition go down and score straight from the kickoff you begin to look like a bit of a prancing ninny.

The 'two arms in the air' had the advantage of having a hopeful air. "Yes", it seemed to say, "we have scored but the game isn't over yet. We can save the hugging and the kissing for the final whistle. We must be careful not to get ahead of ourselves." Personally I'd like to see it come back, along with fat goalkeepers who dived after the ball like a farmer trying to catch a chicken. Nostalgia, eh? It's not as good as it used to be.

Ooh, we've drawn Mansfield away in the Cabaroaoara Cup.

Did you watch the Ashes? Five days of intense cricket, packed with twists, turns, whoop-de-dos and billy-le-bongs. "Cricket was the winner" announced one of the broadsheets the next day. The trouble was that cricket wasn't the winner. That was Australia. After family issues left me with little to do but listen for five days straight I switched off with ten minutes to go when my faith in an England victory had dissipated. Which left me thinking – am I mature enough to be a Town fan?

We have all known or been children who could not bear to lose at anything from Connect 4 to rock, paper, scissors. When we see a child having a meltdown because they failed to win at a family game our first thought is that we are watching an emotionally immature infant who has a lot to learn about the unfairness of life. We hope they will grow out of it. Yet, here was I, a grown-up with a beard and everything, sulking because England lost the cricket. And here's the thing. I had no control over it. At least the child losing at draughts can try and become a better player and is motivated to improve his game. I was having a tantrum because some other blokes who I have never met failed to win a game at a ground I have never visited.

Of course, as Town fans we know the feeling very well. The irritation after a particularly galling loss can resurface days or even weeks afterwards. Or, in the case of the Bristol Rovers keeper not being sent off at Wembley, years. This, and the similar long-lasting elation of victory, is the essence of being a football supporter. Looked at objectively it is nonsensical. Some other blokes did something, and I'm furious or thrilled. Perhaps the whole of the sports supporter's life is a transference of the childhood pain of losing onto the shoulders of our representatives on the pitch. We know if we lose a game of Trivial Pursuit with friends we aren’t allowed to flip the board over, call everyone else a cheat and throw the little yellow cheeses at the victor. It isn't socially acceptable. But we can all blame referees, goalkeepers or whoever for vicariously thwarting us in our hopes of victory, and enjoy a good sulk for the rest of the weekend/year. 

Season ticket sales are down on last year. Mind you, I haven't got mine yet, so that will boost the numbers by one. If you are reading this and have yet to get your ticket, stop faffing about like me and get that thrilling little black card this instant. If you have been put off by them calling it 'a season pass' I understand the outrage but please try and look at the bigger picture. More pounds means more players means more points and less Parslows. I can't promise that last one. Or either of the first two. But do it anyway, otherwise I'm coming round to your house with my goons, and they're going to bring their dinner.

If you didn't like that diary, next week it may well be my mate Dean writing in my place, so there is that to look forward to, as well as a whole season of scintillating football if you renew your season pass now! Ticket! I meant ticket! Do it!