Cod Almighty | Diary

Bring me sunshine

10 November 2023

You have to admire Morecambe fans, don’t you? Endlessly supporting a club who have no chance of ever getting out of the bottom two divisions. Indeed I believe that in the Book of Revelation there is something about how if Morecambe get to the Championship a creature with seven heads and ten horns shall emergeth from the sea and the worlde will ende. So, Morecambe fans, top people. The club, however, can get in the bin.

When Bury went out of business there was quite a bit of sadness in the football world. The premiership didn’t notice, obviously, because they were too busy counting money and yapping about VAR, but proper football people were aggrieved and hoped like hell that a phoenix club could emerge (or emergeth) from the ashes and regain league status. If Morecambe went bust tomorrow, nobody would notice. They could just leave a gap in the league table and no-one would ask why it was there. I feel the same way about Accrington Stanley and Barrow. Why are you lot existing? There’s millions of clubs just down the coast from you! You’ve already got the Lake District and wonderful coastal scenery! Spend your Saturday afternoons on a boat trip around Lake Windermere in the drizzle, like your grandparents did!

What makes it worse – much worse – is that Morecambe have spent the last few years being consistently better than us. They are managed by a rufty tufty Scotsman called Derek Adams. Now, I don’t want to fall into the trap of crude national stereotypes, but let's face it, Scots ex-footballers are terrifying. I play football with a Scotsman, also called Derek, and not only is he a top bloke and a great player but he scares the shit out of the rest of us. He once told me in - a walking football friendly - that I had ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE FOR NOT MARKING YOUR FXXXXXG MAN – in such a way that I still wake up in the night clutching the pillow in terror., even though it was three years ago. What I’m leading to here is that our Lovely Owners need to be making sure there are at least six Scottish ex-players on the managerial shortlist. That’s what this bunch of pusillanimous players needs more than anything. There. I've said it. And, I managed to avoid crude national stereotypes. Well done me.

I didn’t go the Slough game, but I watched it on a betting site. OMG. I’ve had more enjoyable afternoons playing a good old game of ‘trying to understand a single word of a Dexy’s Midnight Runners song’ or 'rummaging through the attic looking for dead spiders.' I know people who went to Slough who came back wide-eyed and crazy like soldiers returning from Nam, so disturbed they couldn’t even play a simple tune on a stylophone. We played in a way that’s become all too familiar this season. Tap it slowly around the back four, several times coming inches away from giving it away in our own box, then panic and lump it high to nobody in particular.

None of which bodes well for tomorrow. Morecambe are in sixth place and have won four in a row. We are fourth from bottom and with less confidence than the Elephant Man in a ‘Rate the Superhunks’ contest. They should hand out medals to the fans of both teams as they go through the turnstiles, though for different reasons.

Still, football’s a funny old game. Isn’t it? Please say yes.

We need a new manager, we need a new direction, and we need at least a point. Let’s go and help them achieve the latter in whatever way we can. That’s our job. And we have ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE for not doing it.
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