Cod Almighty | Diary
The season summarised
3 May 2024
The league two table is now complete, and with there being absolutely nothing else to discuss I thought I'd give a summary of the footballosity based entirely and irrationally on the 90 minutes I saw of the daytripping dullards at Blundell Park.
Stockport County: I used to go out with a girl from Stockport. Murdered us in the first half. Looked old and slow in the second, but might have been because they were taking the piss out of us being so bad. I wonder where she is now?
Wrexham: I keep saying that I've never heard of their Hollywood superstars but Ryan Reynolds was brilliant in the SNL Beavis and Butthead sketch. Or was that Ryan Gosling? Or was it Ryan Bennett? Can't remember much about them beating us. Was probably in the foetal position at the back of the Ponny by the end.
Mansfield: I remember being very impressed by them. They didn't beat us – this was in the early days when playing a better team didn't automatically end up in humiliation.
Doncaster Rovers: what the hell were they all about? Drain circlers for the first three quarters of the season, played like Real Madrid against us, then went up the table like a rat at a banquet.
Crewe: how the hell did they ever make the play-offs? We doubled 'em! You have to be bad for that to happen! Have you ever been to Crewe? It makes Railway Street look like the Sunset Strip.
Crawley: they doubled us. Bloody Crawley. A nothing team from a nothing place with pleasant fans who probably crotchet scarves whilst watching the game.
Barrow: in an earlier diary I said that Barrow had no right to exist and they were the footballing equivalent of Dead Salmon from the Farrow and Ball paint range. I got into trouble with a reader who took exception to my comments. Anyway, they have no right to exist and are the footballing equivalent of Dead Salmon from the Farrow and Ball paint range.
Bradford: looked like absolutely nothing at the Park and rescued a sneaky late point. I've seen Bradford play lots of times over the years; they normally feature a famous manager looking bemused on the touchline and a whole load of fans wishing they had been born somewhere else.
AFC Wimbledon: always slightly heroic for just not being the other ones. We drew 0-0. I honestly have no recollection of the game. I was probably whacked out on goofballs.
Walsall: 1-6 the horror! The HORROR!
Gillingham: were top when we played and beat them. They looked awful. Sacked their manager shortly afterwards, and went even further down the league. Clearly run by idiots. Probably closer to France than Grimsby, which makes you suspicious.
Harrogate: beat us. Two ways to look at Harrogate. A small club who are overachieving due to good management, sensible fiscal control and an eye for a player. Or something blocking up a public toilet on a campsite.
Notts Co: 5-5 the only team I've seen this year with a worse defence than ours. Last minute equaliser from Wood was a genuine highpoint of the season
Morecambe: we won 3-2. Was I there? Was anyone there? Did this really happen? The records say it happened. Why can't I remember it? Probably because anything with the word Morecambe in it triggers deep sleep. Morecambe. Zzzzzzzzzzz.
Tranmere: beat us. Looked average. Average league position. Guaranteed to beat Town and lose to whoever our rivals are. Half Man Half Biscuit remains their only redeeming feature.
Accrington Stanley: beat us. A useful benchmark for all football teams. Did you lose to Accrington Stanley? Yes. In that case you are shit. No other factors need be involved.
Newport County: beat them in a crucial game. Cheers, they wandered up the table. They wandered down the table. They left their bag in Newport Pagnell.
Swindon Town: early promotion contenders turned bottom dwellers, already looked thoroughly pissed off when they played us and helped us to secure safety by not doing much. Thank you Swindon. I love you.
Salford: a tedious vanity project. We doubled them. Hehe. Looked awful.
Colchester: beat us 3-2, looked a fourth division football team. What is there to say about Colchester United that is worth listening to? One day the non-league shall have their prize. Oh yes, my beauties. They have had their eye on you for some time.
Sutton: the 1-1 home draw was one of the worst games I have ever witnessed, and I've seen a few. If it had taken place in Peoples Park with trees for goalposts everyone involved would have gone home early for tea.
Forest Green: I'm an eco type of bloke, and I don't eat red meat, and all that sort of stuff. so I ought to like Forest Green. But I don't. So off you go. Ultimately if you’re going to be a successful football team you need more than seven fans. Soz and all that. Bye.
Hang on wasn't there another team? No, the sons of Dean Friedman don't count.
Let’s hope there's some transfer action and talking points soon, otherwise there are going to more diaries like this on a Friday.