Cod Almighty | Diary

Diary - Tuesday 20 May 2003

20 May 2003

Town fans face returning to Division Two with one less go on the lottery after the club decides on a £1 price hike for tickets next season, reports the Grimsby Telegraph. "It has been necessary to increase prices by £1 per game," explains Peter Furneaux in a not-too-abject letter to season ticket holders, "but we are sure you will find this a small price to pay when taking the on-going survival of the football club into the equation." The Mariners were by some margin the cheapest club to support in Division One and despite the quid on ticket prices will probably be among the best value in the second, with the cheapest seats still costing only £13. I say 'only': it still seems like an outrageous sum of money to forfeit for 90 minutes of what may sometimes be termed entertainment; but like I say, it's less than a lot of other clubs charge - and the Diary's professional services begin at £12 an hour, so you could do a lot worse.

One new acquisition at Blundell Park sure to justify the extra quid will be a new scoreboard. Incredibly, though, this momentous announcement was given just 12 words at the end of a piece in yesterday's Telegraph and seems entirely absent from Town's official website. The club's antiquated scorekeeping technology was clearly at death's door in the season just ended, its display sadly deteriorating in precise sync with the demise of the team's first division status; and the news of its passing adds extra poignancy to Alistair Wilkinson's moving recent tribute. "And your inability to show the score/We want you no more," wrote Cod Almighty's resident visionary.

The ever-swelling ranks of goalkeepers at Blundell Park are augmented still further, for this week at least, by the arrival on trial of Chris Porter, newly released by third division Darlington. The player - who has also spent time at Sunderland, Southend, Hartlepool and Icelandic club Leiftur - was disappointed not to have been given a chance when the Quakers' first-choice keeper Andy Collett suffered an injury last November, with Darlo boss Mick Tait preferring to bring in replacements on loan. Porter made just 11 full first-team appearances at Feethams after signing in 2002. "I went down to Grimsby last week," the 23-year-old stopper tells the Northern Echo. "I'll be training with them again and hopefully they'll be able to get a better look at me in pre-season." That Town are trialing a new keeper with Messrs Coyne, Croudson, Fraser, Hughes and Pettinger already on the books is sure to louden speculation of Danny's departure this summer.

The Telegraph also announces that after 17 years at Blundell Park John McDermott will today sign a pre-contract agreement to join third division Hull. Whatever. I don't care.

Tumbling Jack Lester has been released by Nottingham Forest, but everyone knew three weeks ago that he would be, so that's not much of a story. In the absence of any serious news from the club, Town's official site has started a fans' discussion as to whether the jelly-legged frontman ought to get his ass back to Meggies. One correspondent takes the opportunity to sound off about the captain's possible departure across the Humber, urging the club to "let maca go...in this div he cannt' hacc it any more". I'm sure that voice sounds familiar...still, it makes more sense than a letter in the Telegraph that cites Paul Groves' harsh treatment by West Brom fans during his spell at the Hawthorns as evidence that he should be sacked as Town manager. For fuck's sake.

A rummage through the Diary's new mail folder now, and Mat Hare has answered yesterday's inquiry as to the ugliest Town player of all time by asking: "Are you having a laugh?" I think that was the general idea, mate, yes. "It's Livvo innit? The man makes Ian Dowie look attractive. He puts both 'ug's in the phrase 'ugly bugger'. Think about mid-1990s and Liverpool are parading their ladyboys like Jamie Redknapp in their la-di-da suits. We go and sign Livvo. I reckon the reason that Tranmere keeper stayed down injured was not because Livvo booted seven shades of shit out of him but more because the keeper got a big old close-up of Livvo's ugly mug."

Lee Cobby, meanwhile, whose 'body parts XI' kept us all entertained last week, has been in touch again. "I tried your suggestion of getting out the house and making contact with other humans, but it just wasn't working," writes Lee, "so I have another teamsheet for you. This time I thought it might be fun to have a team made up of players with girls' names as surnames. I couldn't choose between the two goalies, so I've made a small bench for one of them:

Tracey (Sheff Utd)

And finally, today's Diary has braided its hair.