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Diary - Monday 30 June 2003

30 June 2003

Even the most optimistic of Town fans would have to concede that it's not every day an ex-Premiership £1.5m midfielder joins up with the club, so let us pause for a moment and consider Des Hamilton, who is at Blundell Park today for the start of pre-season training. The former Newcastle man was on the brink of signing on loan for the Mariners in March only for the deal to collapse because of John Oster's detestable narcissism, but Paul Groves is "confident" that Hamilton will now join Town on a Bosman. Kenny Dalglish was the manager who paid a million and half to take the player to St James's Park from Bradford in 1997, but Hamilton failed to make an impact in the north-east and went out on loan five times before moving to Cardiff on a free two years ago, where he was again kept out of the first team, this time by injury. At 26, time is still on Hamilton's side, and the Mariners' official site describes him as "a player with a great engine and is not afraid to make tackles when and where they are needed."

Groves is also chasing "a tall 'target man' with a big reputation in the lower leagues", adds Mariners Net, promising to be second with the news when it breaks, and some rumours are naming Scunny's free-scoring Martin Carruthers as the man in question. Iron manager and comic genius Brian Laws was quite irate at the player's Bosman departure from Glanford Park last week after he verbally agreed a new contract. "He also texted me so it's almost in writing!" joked a furious Laws. Carruthers is only five foot eleven, though, and whenever Scunny get a decent player he is linked by default with a transfer to Town; so the Diary is taking this one with a modicum of sodium chloride.

First with the news, of course, will be Town's official text message service, which reminds me to try and find a new network because Vodafone has completely dobbed up the way PAYT top-ups divide between calling credit and service credit. Yeah, like I'm gonna make 18 quid worth of calls in a week. Any suggestions, you lot? I'm not going with Orange because that devil child in the adverts scares the shit out of me; and 3 or Three or whoever they are have got no chance since I heard their radio ad promising footage of "the latest footy goals". I kid you not.

Er, back to the latest footy signing soccer transfer news scoop, then, and BBC Humber Sport reckons a Mr S Coldicott - hubby of Steph of TV's Big Brother fame! - could sign a new contract today. Well, actually, all it says is "Grimsby Town are hopeful midfielder Stacy Coldicott will re-sign for the club today", which doesn't tell you anything at all, does it. Steph has apparently been installed by the bookies as third favourite to win BB, notwithstanding her recent utterance "It doesn't look like a chicken, does it? It looks more like a bird." They do things differently in the midlands, you know.

"Yes the tennis tournament is very dull," writes Alistair Wilkinson in an electronic mail - or 'e-mail' - "but my grandmother does enjoy it." There she differs from the Diary, which has a series of Reasons I Hate Wimbledon; and number four is Cliff sodding Richard, the not-quite-living embodiment of every vile cultural prejudice ever held by the typical attendee of the All England Championships. Peter Pan of pop? Shove it up your arse. Garden gnome of pop, more like. With a swastika on its hat.

Oh, and the Grimsby Telegraph says Georges Santos isn't going to sign a new contract. Yawn.