Cod Almighty | Diary

Diary - Wednesday 6 April 2005

6 April 2005

Tum-te-tum... la la la... ho-hum... yaaaaaaaaawn... oh, I'm sorry! Hello! And welcome to another day of absolutely knack all happening in the world of Grimsby Town Football Club. So desperate for content is the Grimsby Telegraph's sports team, in fact, that they are today reduced to running items about some Leeds fans who live in Grimsby and a survey in FourFourTwo magazine. Oh, and some speculation about Mr Russell Slade playing Andy Parkinson up front on Saturday: a thesis for which the newspaper cites no evidence and which runs contrary to the several recent utterances by the Town boss to the effect that young forwards such as Danny North and David Soames were likely to get a chance in the last few games of the season. Of course, the Telegraph could be right, but Parkinson's improved form in his natural wide midfield position surely proves that you can't put a square peg in a round hole - especially when it has great big sticky-outy ears.

Town's official website, meanwhile, seems to have taken a cue from the recent apathy of its counterparts on the pitch. A piece about a fan who won one of those auctions to spend a match day in the company of Speedin' Positive John begins: "Mr Swallow says that he really enjoyed his day with the chairman". Eh? Who? When? Give us some help here, can you? Slightly more satisfying is a brief natter with Nick Heggarty, the correct spelling of whose name I gave up trying to ascertain a long time ago. Young Nick, lest ye know not, is one of those young reserves who have been going to break into the first team any minute now for about thirteen years, and the OS gives two little snippets of a Mariners World interview with the lad, decorated with a picture that makes him look like a Scottish pop singer or Scottish television actress from the early 1980s.

Speaking of misleading photography, the Diary is finally going to mention that Grimsby kid who scored 16 goals in one match in his local league last week, because of misleading photography. I wasn't going to, just because everyone else did, and I can tend to assume the persona of a crazy, bad-ass mofo when the fancy takes me, you know. But a piece about him on the Louth Today website has made me laugh, because they've used the wrong kind of local paper photo for it. While the correct kind of local paper photo would have been the smiling, 'hooray, local person does something good!' type, the type used in fact conforms to the frowning, 'oh no, something bad happens to local person, and look, here's the thing that was involved' model, the photographer seemingly having been under the impression that somebody had smacked the kid's head in using the football in the picture and then stolen his dinner money. No? Just me, then. Sorry.

Right. Just one more paragraph, I think, and then I can go. It's an email from Dan 'Ten Kilometres' Humphrey, contextualising his 452nd position in the Lincoln 10k run: "452nd out of 2804 runners," he explains. "In Town terms that's in the play-offs. So there." Booooo Slade, boooo, we want Humphrey on, say we want Humphrey on, boooo, sort it Slades… "Talking of the Q&A thing," adds the Danster, "very few entries of yet; reader apathy? Maybe the Diary should ask readers to set the questions?" I dunno - maybe reader absence. And I've got quite enough to do already thank you very much, with all this endless rush of ground-shaking news about the Mariners to write up; but if you want my opinion, the question in that last one might have been too open-ended, and you're more likely to get a response when you set firmer parameters like with the first one and ask for five players or whatever rather than just leave it open. "Not read any Jane Austen; have read Wuthering Heights, so will Brontë do?" Indeed, sir. I am now quite cured of seeking pleasure in football, be it England or Town. A sensible man ought to find sufficient company in himself.