Cod Almighty | Diary
Diary - Tuesday 7 June 2005
7 June 2005
If Martin Gritton asking for a towel to wipe the snow off his head is not evidence enough of Rudimentary Russ's worrying predilection for long-ball tactics, the prosecution would like to quote from the Town manager's latest utterance on his club's official website. Today two goalkeepers are the latest players reported to be close to signing for the Mariners (as sure a sign as any that news of their proposed transfers will abruptly dry up tomorrow and the OS will be "Goalkeepers? Who mentioned goalkeepers?"). And the first thing Russ wants us to know about the gloveman pencilled in for first-team duty in the 2005-06 campaign is not that he is possessed of tremendous reflexes, great agility or shrewd decision-making, nor even that he is blessed with a good eye for a quick throw. No. "He's a big presence," says the boss, "and he actually kicks the ball miles." The Diary advises readers to begin psychological preparation now for one more fresh humiliation next season, which is likely to become the first ever in which even Lincoln fans feel entitled to travel to Blundell Park and taunt the home supporters by shouting "Hoof!"
If you've already bought your season ticket and you've got some money left over from that and the course of neck exercises you'll need for nine months of watching the ball get lamped 30 foot up in the air, then you may be interested in some novel ways of disposing of it. Yesterday we had the supporters' trust's Grab-a-bit-of-Grass appeal; today GTFC have released a twenty quid DVD of the team's two winning visits to Wembley in the far-off, remote, distant glory days of 1998 (I thought they'd released one ages ago, actually, but hey) and unofficial Mariners website 3 Fish on a Shirt has placed on sale a T-shirt priced at 12 pounds sterling, all profits from which will go to the Tax Thing Whipround, otherwise known as Keep the Mariners Afloat. If none of that appeals then please make a donation to the emergency fund to send me on a relaxing holiday to a beautiful island with no internet connection and sea warm enough to swim in - otherwise known as Keep the Diary Afloat.
Back to transfer news now, and the Grimsby Telegraph is a step ahead of Town's official site. As well as reporting the club's approach to two new goalkeepers, the popular local newspaper reveals that Relentless Russ is hoping to bring in "a Championship defender" as well. That means Roger Federer, right?
On the subject of the killer fox that has been terrorising Town's turf, the Diary has received an email from one Sir Charles Sebastian Lethbridge-Stewart. "I knew I was right all along," writes our aristocratic correspondent, "despite what those loony lefty smelly new age traveller types shouted at me as I rode past them. See - foxes are a menace to society. Mr Fenty, just say the word, and my hunt and I will be there in a flash. Two dozen horses and a hundred hounds or so bombing up and down the Blundell Park turf should stop the little orange bastards digging it up." To be honest, Sir Charles, you can do what you like: all the tactical indications are that Town won't be using the grass much next season anyway.