Cod Almighty | Diary

Diary - Monday 17 July 2006

17 July 2006

If you've ever looked at Wayne Rooney and wondered what strange forces are at work to accelerate the ageing process of young males from the Mersey area, then your inquiry could extend to cover Francis Smith. Who? Yet another "tough-tackling, all-action" midfielder arriving for a trial with the Mariners, this time via the youth set-up at first division Liverpool. Smith may take part in Town's friendly against Doncaster tonight, speculates the club's official website alongside a brief biography of the player which, by a remarkable coincidence, reads almost identically to another one which comes up near the top when you google 'Francis Smith' and 'Liverpool'. By an even more extraordinary twist of fate, the OS has used the same photograph as well, in which the 18-year-old Scouser takes the appearance of a 44-year-old PE teacher. Hope he shows same maturity in performances, etc, joke about stamping on Portuguese bloke's bollocks, etc etc.

Another player shortly to arrive for a trial with GTFC is 16-year-old Oliver Harrison. Little Ollie has recently hit the headlines in his native Lancashire by recording a round at Greenmount Golf Club at four under par - just one below the course record - and lowering his handicap from 19 to three in just one season. It is the Diary's fond hope that the lad seizes his chance at Blundell Park with both hands and is delivered from the horrific clutches of golf forever after.

Oh - Town won 1-0 at Gainsborough on Friday night, by the way. I nearly forgot! But you probably know by now anyway. Cod Almighty's mystery representative at the match - oh, OK, it was Tony Butcher - has reported to the Diary that the first half was a bit of a non-event for the Mariners, who were under constant pressure from the home side, but that the more-like-the-first-team line-up that emerged after the break did some good stuff, with yoof teema Peter Bore tricky down the right flank, the first flourishings of an understanding between Isaiah Rankin and Gary Jones up front, and an 'upper arm of God' winner from the Rankster following good work by Bore and Boooo Beagrie. There was "absolutely no hoofing or aimless punting," adds Tony excitedly. "The ball was played to Rankin's and Jones' feet and chest, with a supporting run around them. Toner is earmarked for the Cockerill/Groves 'bundling late runs from midfield' role. The ball was played to wingers, and the full-backs were supporting well. The emphasis was on passing, movement and crosses." Quick - buy your season ticket while the discount period is extended! Unless you can't make Friday nights, obviously.

Town's friendly at Gainsborough is the subject an outraged email from Keith Collins. "They couldn't run a bath!" he fumes, referring not to GTFC's web team but to the BBC. "Listening to Radio 'Ull on Saturday morning to see how Town had got on at Gainsboro', it was reported that the GTFC match was postponed! And I pay my licence fee for this!" Don't get me started, KC! The Diary has only just started supporting public service broadcasting again after the debacle of the World Cup, and is in fact still severely traumatised by the match when France full-back Eric Abidal had not enjoyed the most successful opening 45 minutes and one member of the BBC's commentary team observed during the half-time break: "I could understand it if he was called Abigail!"

We remain with the Diary's inbox for the final item today: an email from Andy Holt asking simply: "What flavour Mentos?" Andy is referring to the recipe for high explosives carelessly given out on this page by Guest Diary last Friday, which has already resulted in my house being staked out by US intelligence agents wearing clichéd dark suits and sunglasses. I guess I'll have to hand this one over to GD, assuming he gets out of Guantanamo by the end of this week.