Cod Almighty | Diary

Diary - Tuesday 22 August 2006

22 August 2006

"Ground control to Deviant Diary. You have permission to land. Repeat: you have permission to land. Over." With feet firmly planted on terra firma, Citizens Advice Bureau Diary reports for duty the day after the day before.

Just seen big-gloved Curtis Woodhouse on Look North. Not nice when you're trying to eat that meal of the rising sun they call breakfast. Apparently there'll be more from estranged Curtis throughout the day. Luckily I have other stuff to do. Imagine watching every local news bulletin. What do you mean you do? No! Really? Apparently football had become a "chore" over the last three to four years. We can all empathise with that, Curtis. The big question is why it took so long to quit football and follow every boy's lifelong dream of inflicting brain damage legally?

In my occasional role as Citizens Advice Bureau Diary I shall endeavour to enlighten readers with snippets of information pertinent to big issues that affect all of our lives. As an example I recently learned that it is an offence for ice cream vans to sound their chimes before noon and after 7pm. The whole chimes issue is really cloudy. It is also an offence if the noise gives "reasonable cause of annoyance". How on earth do you measure that? Vans are also not supposed to use chimes within sight of another trading van or more than once every three minutes. Or within 50 metres of schools or churches (when in use). It all sounds very stressful being Mr Softee. On a personal note I think it should also be an offence to chime the Cornetto theme when that is the one product not stocked. You know who you are.

Back to Town matters and it appears we are once more on the verge of signing Danny Boshell. Apparently Danny has his own rubber stamp, which is nice. The OS has no mention of this deal and how we bravely "beat off" Conference giants Northwich Victoria. It does, however, tell us that our useful new McIntosh will not be allowed to play in tonight's lager-sponsored cup first round tie with Crewe. He hasn't got a note from his mum but the effect is the same. Fen Butcher is tipped to fill his shoes. And then some.

Finally, via the magical medium of email Paul Wright has forwarded his rather sinister dream to send this lot to Hull. Good thinking but geographically a bit too close to home for me. If you have any better ideas as to where to stockpile the UK's radioactive waste, do get in touch.

'Til we meet again, hold on to your dreams. Just keep them to yourself if at all violent or otherwise threatening to health. Thank you.