Cod Almighty | Diary

Perambulations

2 December 2016

Tomorrow, instead of doing a bit of Christmas shopping, we should really be playing Sheffield United at home in the second round of the FA Cup. But we didn’t beat Bolton – so we’re not.

The good shopkeepers of Cleethorpes are, I’m sure, completely delighted that an extra 5,000 people now have a free Saturday to start the orgy of spending which is Christmas. And even more delighted, no doubt, that they don’t have to run the gauntlet of hundreds of pissed Neanderthals in red and white fresh off the train (and no doubt a few in black and white too) for a second time. [Disclaimer – nicer, non-violent Sheffield United fans are available].

The Police, who last time United visited showed gobsmacking levels of naivety by allowing the whole thing to take them by surprise, would no doubt have overcompensated second time round. Who knows how much of a three-way loon-fest we’ve sidestepped by our gallant cup exit. Christmas shopping at least should be relatively calm.

So that whole Yorkshire thing so eloquently described by your Transpennine Diary on Wednesday has been narrowly avoided, for now at least. Just think if we’d needed a replay. Ironically, many of those extra shoppers – the ones not now at Blundell Park - will go on to do their Christmas shopping in Sheffield’s Meadowhall but we’ll let that irony pass. Suffice it to say if ever there was a tie to not be too concerned about missing out on, perhaps this was it.

But wait, I hear some of you say. We wouldn’t have been playing Sheffield at all. Because Bolton begins with a ‘B’ and Grimsby with a ‘G’, so we would have had a different ball number in the hat. But no, I reply - I checked. The numbers go with the tie, not the team. Bolton versus Grimsby was the twenty-sixth tie to be pulled out of the hat for the first round, so the winner of that tie goes on to be number 26 in the second round draw. So yes, it’s Sheffield United we’re not playing tomorrow.

Unfortunately it means we have to find something else to do. Clee Town are at home to Bootle in the Vase, for those who really can’t live without the bag of wind. Not that bothered? So let’s fill the void by idly perusing what’s happening around the rest of the fourth division.

Testosterone-challenged Portsmouth duo Michael Doyle and Christian Burgess have been ordered by their club to apologise for their half time punch-up last week, and each has forfeited some of his pocket money to 'Pompey in the Community'. Hey boys, don’t make up on our behalf - more of the same please, and if any of the others feel like joining in an indisciplined melee, feel free before (or during) next week’s trip north.

And it seems that the career of the world’s least athletic footballer is finally bringing its substantial momentum gently to rest. ‘The Beast’ has moved from Newport County back to troubled York City, soon possibly to occupy Conference North. Jon Parkin, with whom Town were once linked (but then who wasn’t?) is a footballer for whom only one diminutive descriptor is remotely appropriate (here’s a clue – the word doesn’t mean diminutive). Nevertheless, with supreme ironic understatement, the South Wales Argus avoided the issue by describing him as "experienced", and the Cambridge News, hilariously, as "the tall striker". Yes, I always thought it was funny how you never saw him and Peter Crouch in the same room.

Now that our old adversary’s arse is wider than the most capacious pair of shorts ever made in seriousness, will we actually miss the old boy? Would any sepia-toned retrospective turn up even a glimmer of nostalgic affection for him? Personally, once his bid to break Josh Gowling’s leg at Wembley had failed, I rather lost interest. At least after retirement he’ll be able to eat what he likes.

Paul Hurst (remember him?) must have wished he’d hung on a bit, with Kenny Jackett’s reign at Rotherham lasting a mere 39 days. One assumes, in this situation, that the manager left because a promised transfer budget didn’t materialise. It’s a job Hursty might have got; indeed, he might as well be bottom of the league with a club he used to play for, as one that he didn’t.

Martin Allen has left Barnet (again) for Eastleigh, which will make any future bid he makes for Omar even less likely to bear fruit, if that’s even possible.

Most of the Yorkshire-related trouble off the pitch this week has come from the scramble for Donny tickets. Simple maths tells us that if the first 1,051 season ticket holders buy four tickets each, that exceeds the capacity of the away end, with two thirds of the season ticket holders still left empty handed in the queue. Now I hope you’ve noticed that your faithful Retro Diary doesn’t like to criticise the club, but that little calculation might be one to do first next time.

Marcus Bignot’s interviews continue to delight - they always make my day. The wait for the inevitable 'Bignotism' adds an extra dimension – I’ve been letting them go so far, but they’re so regular I think we should start writing them down. On Thursday, it was that today’s interest by Championship clubs in Omar is "yesterday’s chip paper". And he does it all with a smile, too. What a bloke.

There will be officially no stress this weekend. So continuing the levity, I’ll sign off with this rather lovely picture of our lord JT chuckling gently to himself because he’s interviewing Josh Gowling using a miniature version of his own head. See you tomorrow in B&Q (via Thornton’s).

UTM