Cod Almighty | Diary

A lust of deep dark synthesiser

9 August 2023

Town started and ended their 2023 League Cup campaign in one motion last night. Efficient eh? Our report hasn't landed yet but initial rumblings from our ace match reporter indicate it will either be not worth the ink and short, or long and sweary.

It's disappointing for sure, your favourite actor killed off in the opening scene before you've munched through your first faceful of popcorn. Early season performances can be a bit Buckley and Lyons, and usually quickly forgiven by Daubney Diary. However, it is irksome when it happens in the cup, thus binning one of our chances at an interesting or memorable season. 

Unlike the Premier League kids who see the cups as a distraction, they are actually one of the four Football Pillars of Get In There. In case you've forgotten, they are: interesting friendlies/tours; cup runs; promotion campaigns; an animal, preferably a dog, running on the pitch and interrupting play in an amusing enough fashion to be featured on the Question of Sport Christmas Special.

Once all four of these go, we end up with a season as memorable as a trip to the dentist. "Take away the cup run and we underachieved" was a strange hypothetical that bounced around terrace and internet in May. Please don't, it was the only thing that kept us relatively sane.  

There is a Hursty interview and some "highlights" on the official channels, the latter for Town comprising of a shinned 40 yarder, included only for irony. Apart from credit due to Mansfield for keeping the scoreline respectable with some woeful finishing, the standout is an opener given away due to Faffing About at the Back.

Is there an expected faff stat in the world of made-up data? xF? I will die on the hill proclaiming Modern Football Tactics Are Arse. Every bloody season we do this, with the only saving grace being every other team has a bloke with a tracksuit and a UEFA badge who thinks he's Pep as well. 

It's not complicated. Goalkeepers go in goal for a reason and one alone: they can't kick the ball. Look at them ambling along, all legs and arms like octopus beanpole hybrids, the freaks can barely walk. Yet the footballing world has built this mad system whereby your 6ft 6in walking calamity ends up with ball at his feet more often than your creative midfielder with the expensive hair. If you have one. And if your keeper hasn't got the ball it's only because he's hurriedly scuffed it to the murderous thug you have at centre-half whose idea of defence splitting involves an axe and opponent's head.

Sort it Hursts, save yourself about ten goals this season and stem soaring blood pressures all over NE Lincs by getting the ball over halfway as quickly as possible. Let the pretty boys with the nice hair and all their own teeth play with the ball.

Before I huff off, check out the Under 18s. They're in Italy and you can follow their progress on Oliver Cowling's Twitter.  The trip is part of of the Turing Scheme so the lads are getting their heads in the books for a bit of learning as well as the odd kickabout. They're up against Atalanta this morning with updates on Oliver's feed. Now then Town, Bergamo, there's a pre-season tour pillar if ever there was one.